An angel was feeling rather blue with the uniform sameness of heaven and went to see St. Peter. "All I do," the angel said, "is play the harp endlessly, and I'm getting bored."
St. Peter asked, "What would you rather do?"
The angel answered, "I like to dance."
"We don't allow dancing here in heaven," St. Peter said, "but I can see you need a change so I will allow you to take advantage of a once-in-an-eternal-lifetime offer. I will allow you 24 hours leave to return to earth and dance."
"I'm gone," the angel said and in a trice the angel was in California and quickly found a dance hall run by Samuel Frank. Checking the harp and wings, the angel boogied and danced and had a great time until just seconds remained of the leave.
The angel grabbed up the wings and immediately was in heaven again. Returning to St. Peter, the angel said, "I'm back and I am so happy. I'll never feel bored again."
St. Peter said, "That's wonderful, but where is your musical instrument?"
"Oh, no," the angel said, "I left my harp in Sam Frank's Disco."
A pastor was doing his children's sermon with all the youngsters down front to hear the lesson.
He was discussing the story of Jonah. He quoted the scriptures from Jonah 1 and 2: "And the Lord appointed a great fish to swallow up Jonah; and Jonah was in the belly of the fish three days and three nights. Then Jonah prayed to the Lord his God from the belly of the fish, saying 'I called to the Lord out of my distress and He answered me.' ... and the Lord spoke to the fish, and it vomited out Jonah upon the dry land." (Jonah 1:17; 2:2, 10)
When the pastor finished the quotation, he started trying to solicit input from the youngsters to help him complete his mini-sermon. He asked thoughtfully, "What does the fish vomiting Jonah out on dry land indicate to us today?"
One of the youngsters spoke with great enthusiasm for the entire congregation to hear, "It proves that even a fish can't stomach a bad preacher!"
="joke4">NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTIONS
2019: I will get my weight down below 180 pounds.
2020: I will follow my new diet religiously until I get below 200 pounds.
2021: I will develop a realistic attitude about my weight.
2022: I will work out 3 days a week.
2023: I will try to drive past a gym at least once a week.
A pastor, known for his lengthy sermons, noticed a man get up and leave during the middle of his message. The man returned just before the conclusion of the service. Afterwards the pastor asked the man where he had gone.
"I went to get a haircut," was the reply.
"But," said the pastor, "why didn't you do that before the service?"
"Because," the gentleman said, "I didn't need one then."
Irene, the church gossip, and self appointed monitor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business. Several members did not approve of her extra curricular activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.
She made a mistake, however, when she accused George, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old blue pickup parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon. She emphatically told George, and several others, that everyone seeing it there would know exactly what he was doing.
George, a man of few words, stared at her for a few moments and just turned and walked away. He didn't explain, defend or deny! He said nothing! Later that evening, George quietly parked his blue pickup in front of Irene's house .... walked home .... and left it there....all night!
A lion woke up one morning feeling really rowdy and mean.
He went out and cornered a small monkey and roared, "Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?"
The trembling monkey says, "You are, mighty lion!
"Later, the lion confronts a wildebeest and fiercely bellows, "Who is the mightiest of all jungle animals?"
The terrified wildebeest stammers, "Oh great lion, you are by far the mightiest animal in the jungle!"
On a roll now, the lion swaggers up to an elephant and roars, "Who is the mightiest of all jungle animals?"
Fast as lightning, the elephant snatches up the lion with his trunk, slams him against a tree half a dozen times, making the lion feeling like it'd been run over by a safari wagon.
The elephant then stomped on the lion until it looked like a corn tortilla and then ambled away.
The lion let out a moan of pain, lifted his head weakly and hollered after the elephant, "Geez, just because you don't know the answer, you don't have to get so pissed off!"
Monday
My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the satisfaction from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.
Tuesday
Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded; must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to throw up on their favourite chair....must try this on their bed.
Wednesday
Slept all day so that I could annoy my captors with sleep depriving, incessant pleas for food at ungodly hours of the night.
Thursday
Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in an attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was....Hmm. Not working according to plan.....
Friday
I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning, foamy chemical called "shampoo". What sick minds could invent such a liquid. My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth.
Saturday
There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary confinement throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odour of the glass tubes they call "beer". More importantly, I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies". Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.
Sunday
I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird on the other hand has got to be an informant. He has mastered their frightful tongue (something akin to molespeak) and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move.
Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured. But I can wait; it is only a matter of time.
"To you, my loving wife Rose, who stood by me in rough times, as well as good, I leave her the house and $2 million."
The lawyer continued, "To my daughter Jessica, who looked after me in sickness and kept the business going, I leave her the yacht, the business and $1 million."
The lawyer concluded, "And, to my cousin Dan, who hated me, argued with me, and thought that I would never mention him in my will - well you were wrong.
Hi Dan!"
One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?"
The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room."
A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice: "The big sissy."
Has the heaviness of your old-fashioned church got you weighted down? Try us! We are the New and Improved Lite Church of the Valley. Studies have shown we have 24% fewer commitments than other churches. We guarantee to trim off guilt, because we are Low-Cal.
We are the home of the 7.5% tithe. We promise 40-minute worship services, with 10-minute sermons.
Next Sunday's exciting text is the story of the Feeding of the 3,000.
We have only 8 Commandments - - You choose which ones apply each week.
We use just 3 gospels in our contemporary New Testament "Good Sound Bites for Modern Human Beings".
We take the offering every other week, all major credit cards accepted, of course, or use our easy payment plan.
We are closed the first week of hunting season.
Yes, the New and Improved Lite Church of the Valley could be just what you are looking for.
We are everything you want in a church . . . and less!
Good News: You baptized seven people today in the river.
Bad News: You lost two of them in the swift current.
Good News: The Women's Guild voted to send you a get-well card.
Bad News: The vote passed by 31-30.
Good News: The Elder Board accepted your job description the way you wrote it.
Bad News: They were so inspired by it, they formed a search committee to find somebody capable of filling the position.
Good News: You finally found a choir director who approaches things exactly the same way you do.
Bad News: The choir mutinied.
Good News: Your women's softball team finally won a game.
Bad News: They beat your men's softball team.
Good News: The trustees finally voted to add more church parking.
Bad News: They are going to blacktop the front lawn of your parsonage.
Good News: Church attendance rose dramatically the last three weeks.
Bad News: You were on vacation.
Good News: Your deacons want to send you to the Holy Land.
Bad News: They are stalling until the next war.
Dear Mom and Dad,
Our scoutmaster told us to write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and were worried. We are OK. Only one of our tents and two sleeping bags got washed away.
Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up the Mountain looking for Chad when it happened. Oh yes, please call Chad's mother and tell her he is OK. He can't write because of the cast. I got to ride in one of the search and rescue jeeps. It was neat. We never would have found him in the dark if it wasn't for the lightning.
Scoutmaster Walt got mad at Chad for going on a hike alone without telling anyone. Chad said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably didn't hear him. Did you know that if you put gas on a fire, the gas can will blow up?
The wet wood didn't burn, but one of the tents did. Also some of our clothes. John is going to look weird until his hair grows back.
We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Walt gets the car fixed. It wasn't his fault about the wreck. The brakes worked OK when we left. Scoutmaster Walt said that a car that old you have to expect something to break down, that's probably why he can't get insurance. We think it's a neat car. He doesn't care if we get it dirty, and if it's hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the fenders. It gets pretty hot with 10 people in a car. He let us take turns riding in the trailer until the highway patrolman stopped and talked to us.
Scoutmaster Walt is a neat guy. Don't worry, he is a good driver. In fact, he is teaching Terry how to drive on the mountain roads where there isn't any traffic. All we ever see up here is logging trucks.
This morning, all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out in the lake. Scoutmaster Walt wouldn't let me because I can't swim, and Chad was afraid he would sink because of his cast, so he let us take the canoe across the lake. It was great. You can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood.
Scoutmaster Walt isn't crabby like some scoutmasters. He didn't even get mad about the lifejackets. He has to spend a lot of the time working on the car so we are trying not to cause him any trouble.
Guess what? We have all passed our first aid merit badges. When Dave dove in the lake and cut his arm, we got to see how a tourniquet works. Wade and I threw up, but Scoutmaster Walt said it probably was just food poisoning from the leftover chicken. He said they got sick that way with food they ate in prison. I'm so glad he got out and became our scoutmaster. He said he sure figured out how to get things done better while he was doing his time. By the way, what is a pedophile?
I have to go now. We are going to town to mail our letters and buy bullets.
Don't worry about anything. We are fine.
Danny
Why not try some of these neat little exercises? Not only will it make meetings more interesting, but your workmates will become suddenly more alert and maintain a respectful distance:
Discreetly clasp hold of someone's hand and whisper: "Can you feel it?" from the corner of your mouth.
Draw enormous genitalia on your notepad and discreetly show it to the person next to you for their approval.
Wear a hands-free phone headset throughout the meeting, and once in a while drift off into an unrelated conversation, such as: "I don't care if there are no dwarfs, just get the show done!"
Write the words "he fancies you" on your pad and show it to the person next to you while indicating with your pen.
Respond to a serious question with: "I don't know what to say, obviously I'm flattered, but it has all happened so fast."
Draw a chalk circle around one of the chairs then avoid sitting on it, when the meeting starts. When someone does eventually sit in it, cover your mouth and gasp.
Turn your back on the meeting and sit facing the window with your legs stretched out. Announce that you "love this dirty town".
Pull out a large roll of bank notes and count them demonstratively.
Produce a hamster from your pocket and suggest throwing it to one another as a means of idea-exchange
Drop meaningless and confusing management-speak into conversations such as:
"What's the margin, Marvin?"
"When's this turkey going to get basted?"
"If we don't get this brook babbling we're all going to end up looking like doc-eyed labradors."
Use a large hunting-knife to point at your visual aids.
Announce that you've run off some copies of the meeting agenda. Then hand out pieces of paper that read:
My secret agenda:
Re-collect them sheepishly and ask everyone to pretend they haven't seen them.
Leave long pauses in your speech at random moments. When someone is prompted to interject, shout "I HAVE NOT FINISHED".
Do you ever feel overworked, over-regulated, under-leisured and under benefited? Take heart, this notice was found in the ruins of a London office building. It was dated 1852.
1. This firm has reduced the hours of work, and the clerical staff will now only have to be present between the hours of 6 am and 7 pm on weekdays.
2. Clothing must be of sober nature. The clerical staff will not disport themselves in raiment of bright colors, nor will they wear hose unless in good repair.
3. Overshoes and topcoats may not be worn in the office, but neck scarves and headgear may be worn in inclement weather.
4. A stove is provided for the benefit of the clerical staff. Coal and wood must be kept in the locker. It is recommended that each member of the clerical staff bring four pounds of coal each day during the cold weather.
5. No member of the clerical staff may leave the room without permission from the supervisor.
6. No talking is allowed during business hours.
7. The craving for tobacco, wine, or spirits is a human weakness, and as such is forbidden to all members of the clerical staff.
8. Now that the hours of business have been drastically reduced, the partaking of food is allowed between 11.30 and noon, but work will not on any account cease.
9. Members of the clerical staff will provide their own pens. Ink is available on application to the supervisor.
10. The supervisor will nominate a senior clerk to be responsible for the cleanliness of the main office and the supervisor's private office. All boys and juniors will report to him 40 minutes before prayers and will remain after closing hours for similar work. Brushes, brooms, scrubbers, and soap are provided by the owners.
11. The owners recognize the generosity of the new labour laws, but will expect a great rise in output of work to compensate for these near-Utopian conditions.
Advice for those engaged in cyberspace flame-war:
Make things up about your opponent: It's important to make your lies sound true. Preface your argument with the word "clearly." "Clearly, Fred Flooney is a liar, and a dirtball to boot."
Be an armchair psychologist: You're a smart person. You've heard of Freud. You took a psychology course in college. Clearly, you're qualified to psychoanalyze your opponent. "Polly Purebread, by using the word 'zucchini' in her posting, shows she has a bad case of penis envy."
Cross-post your flames: Everyone on the net is just waiting for the next literary masterpiece to leave your terminal! From the Apple II RoundTable to X-10 Powerhouse RoundTable, they're all holding their breath until your next flame. Therefore, post everywhere.
Conspiracies abound: If everyone's against you, the reason can't possibly be that you're a sh**head. There's obviously a conspiracy against you, and you will be doing the entire net a favor by exposing it.
Lawsuit threats: This is the reverse of Rule #4 ( sort of like the Yin and Yang of Flaming). Threatening a lawsuit is always considered to be in good form. "By saying that: I've posted to the wrong group, Bertha has libeled me, slandered me, and sodomized me. See you in court, Bertha."
Force them to document their claims: Even if Harry Hoinkus states outright that he likes tomato sauce on his pasta, you should demand documentation. If Newsweek hasn't written an article on Harry's pasta preferences, then Harry's obviously lying.
Use foreign phrases: French is good, but Latin is the lingua franca of flaming. You should use the words "ad hominem" at least three times per article. Other favorite Latin phrases are "ad nauseum", "veni, vidi, vici", and "fettuccini alfredo".
Tell 'em how smart you are: Why use intelligent arguments to convince them you're smart when all you have to do is tell them? State that you're a member of Mensa, or Mega, or Dorks of America. Tell them the scores you received on every exam since high school. "I got an 800 on my SATs LSATs, GREs, MCATs, and I can also spell the word 'premeiotic'."
Accuse your opponent of censorship. It is your right as an American citizen to post whatever the hell you want to the net (as guaranteed by the 37th Amendment, I think). Anyone who tries to limit your cross-posting or move a flame war to email is either a communist, a fascist, or both.
Doubt their existence: You've never actually seen your opponent, have you? And since you're the center of the universe, you should have seen them by now, shouldn't you? Therefore, THEY DON'T EXIST! This is the beauty of flamers' logic.
Lie, cheat, steal, leave the toilet seat up.
When in doubt, insult: If you forget the other 11 rules, remember this one. At some point during your wonderful career as a flamer you will undoubtedly end up in a flame war with someone who is better than you. This person will expose your lies, tear apart your arguments, make you look generally like a bozo. At this point, there's only one thing to do: INSULT THE DIRTBAG!!! "Oh yeah? Well, your mother does strange things with vegetables."
Proof of what can happen if a wife or girlfriend drags her husband or Boyfriend along shopping
This letter was actually sent by Tesco's Head Office to a customer in Oxford :
Dear Mrs. Murray,
Whilst we would like to thank you for your valued custom and use of the Tesco Loyalty Card, the Manager of our store in Banbury is Considering banning you and your family from shopping with us, unless your Husband stops his antics.
Below is a list of his actions over the past few months all verified by our Surveillance cameras:
1. June 15th: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's Trolleys when they weren't looking.
2. July 2nd: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute Intervals.
3. July 7th: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to feminine Products aisle.
4. July 19th: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, 'Code 3' in housewares..... And watched what happened.
5. August 14th: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
6. September 15th: Set up a tent in the outdoor clothing department and Told shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring sausages and a Calor Gas stove.
7. September 23rd: When the Deputy Manager asked if she could help him, he Began to cry and asked, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'
8.. October 4th: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a Mirror, picked his nose, and ate it.
9. October 10th: While appearing to be choosing kitchen knives in the Housewares aisle asked an assistant if he knew where the Antidepressants were.
10. November 3rd: Darted around the store suspiciously, loudly humming the Mission Impossible' theme.
11.November 6th: In the kitchenware aisle, practised the 'Madonna look' Using different size funnels.
12. November 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed, yelled 'PICK ME!' 'PICK ME!'
13. November 21st: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, assumed The foetal position and screamed 'NO! NO! It's those voices again.'
And last, but not least:
14. November 23rd: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited a while; Then yelled, very loudly, 'There is no toilet paper in here.'
Sandra
Miss Bee was in her 80s, and much admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. The pastor came to call on her one afternoon early in spring, and she welcomed him into her Victorian parlor. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared a little tea.
As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a cut glass bowl sitting on top of it, filled with water. In the water floated, of all things, a condom. Imagine his shock and surprise. Imagine his curiosity! Surely Miss Bee had flipped...or something! But he certainly couldn't mention the strange sight in her parlor.
Miss Bee was in her 80s, and much admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. The pastor came to call on her one afternoon early in spring, and she welcomed him into her Victorian parlor. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared a little tea.
As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a cut glass bowl sitting on top of it, filled with water. In the water floated, of all things, a condom. Imagine his shock and surprise. Imagine his curiosity! Surely Miss Bee had flipped...or something! But he certainly couldn't mention the strange sight in her parlor.
When she returned with tea and cookies, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him, and he could resist no longer.
"Miss Bee," he said, pointing to the bowl, "I wonder if you would tell me about this."
"Oh yes," she replied, "Isn't it wonderful? I was walking downtown last fall, and I found this little package. It said to put it on the organ and keep it wet, and it would prevent disease."
And you know, she continued... "I think it's working...I haven't had a cold all winter!"
A first grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students.The teacher asked, "Johnny what is your problem?" Johnny answered, "I'm too smart for the first grade. My sister is in the third grade and I'm smarter than she is !!I think I should be in the third grade too!" The teacher had had enough. She took Johnny to the principal's office. While Johnny waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was... The principal told the teacher he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first grade and behave. The teacher agreed. Johnny was brought in and the conditions are explained to him and he agrees to take the test.
Principal: " What is 3x3?" Johnny: "9"
Principal: "What is 6 x 6 ?" Johnny: "36"
And so it went with every question the principal thought a third grader should know. The principal looks at the teacher and tells her, " I think Johnny can go to the third grade," The teacher says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions?" The principal and Johnny both agree.
The teacher asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"
Johnny, after a moment, "legs"
Teacher: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
The principal' eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer, Johnny replied," Pockets".
Teacher: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"
Johnny: "Pants"
Teacher: "What starts with F and ends with K and means a lot of excitement?"
Johnny: "Firetruck"
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Johnny in the fifth grade, I missed the last four questions".
IN PRISON...you spend the majority of your time in an 8x10 cell.
AT WORK...you spend most of your time in a 6x8 cubicle.
IN PRISON...you get three meals a day.
AT WORK...you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it.
IN PRISON...you get time off for good behavior.
AT WORK...you get rewarded for good behavior with more work.
IN PRISON...a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK...you must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself.
IN PRISON...you can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK...you get fired for watching TV and playing games.
IN PRISON...you get your own toilet.
AT WORK...you have to share.
IN PRISON...they allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK...you cannot even speak to your family and friends.
IN PRISON...all expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work required
AT WORK...you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.
IN PRISON...you spend most of your life looking through bars from the inside wanting to get out.
AT WORK...you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.
IN PRISON...there are wardens who are often sadistic.
AT WORK...they are called managers.
How can you possibly not love the Irish?
"Personal ads" in the Dublin News
Heavy drinker, 35, Cork area. Seeks gorgeous sex addict interested in a man who loves his pints, cigarettes, Glasgow Celtic Football Club and starting fights on Patrick Street at three o'clock in the morning.
Bitter, disillusioned Dublin man, lately rejected by longtime fiancee, seeks decent, honest, reliable woman, if such a thing still exists in this cruel world of hatchet-faced bitches.
Ginger haired Galway man, a trouble-maker, gets slit-eyed and shirty after a few scoops, seeks attractive, wealthy lady for bail purposes, maybe more.
Bad tempered, foul-mouthed old ******, living in a damp cottage in the arse end of Roscommon, seeks attractive 21 year old blonde lady, with a lovely chest.
Devil-worshipper, Offaly area, seeks like-minded lady, for wining and dining, good conversation, dancing, romantic walks, and slaughtering cats in cemeteries at midnight under the flinty light of a pale moon.
Limerick man, 27, medium build, brown hair, blue eyes, seeks alibi for the night of February 27 between 8 PM and 11:30 PM.
Optimistic Mayo man, 35, seeks a blonde 20 year old double-jointed supermodel, who owns her own brewery, and has an open- minded twin sister
Upon entering the little country store, the stranger noticed a sign saying "DANGER! BEWARE OF DOG!" posted on the glass door. Inside, he noticed a harmless old hound dog asleep on the floor beside the cash register.
` He asked the store manager, "Is THAT the dog folks are supposed to beware of?"
"Yep, that's him," he replied.
The stranger couldn't help but be amused. "That certainly doesn't look like a dangerous dog to me. Why in the world would you post that sign?"
"Because", the owner replied, "before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him."
A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old rancher. The rancher's prize bull was missing from the section through which the railroad passed. The rancher only wanted to be paid the fair value of the bull. The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the peace in the back room of the general store.
The attorney for the railroad immediately cornered the rancher and tried to get him to settle out of court. The lawyer did his best selling job, and finally the rancher agreed to take half of what he was asking.
After the rancher had signed the release and took the check, the young lawyer couldn't resist gloating a little over his success, telling the rancher, "You know, I hate to tell you this, old man, but I put one over on you in there. I couldn't have won the case. The engineer was asleep and the fireman was in the caboose when the train went through your ranch that morning. I didn't have one witness to put on the stand. I bluffed you!"
The old rancher replied, "Well, I'll tell you, young feller, I was a little worried about winning that case myself, because that durned bull came home this morning."
A salesman, tired of his job, gave it up to become a policeman. Several months later, a friend asked him how he liked his new role.
"Well," he replied, "the pay is good and the hours aren't bad, but what I like best is that the customer is always wrong!"
In order to assure the highest levels of quality work and productivity from employees it will be our policy to keep all employees well trained through our program of SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (S.H.I.T.)
We are trying to give our employees more S.H.I.T. than anyone else. If you feel that you do not recieve your share of S.H.I.T. on the job, please see your manager.
You will be immediately placed at the top of the S.H.I.T. list, and they are especially skilled at seeing that youget all the S.H.I.T. you can handle.
Employees who don't take there S.H.I.T. will be placed in DEPARTMENTAL EMPLOYEE EVALUATION PROGRAMS (D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T.) those who fail to take D.E.E.P, S.H.I.T. seriously will have to go to EMPLOYEE ATTITUDE TRAINING (E.A.T. S.H.I.T.).
Since our managers took S.H.I.T. before they were promoted, they don't have to do S.H.I.T. anymore, and are full of S.H.I.T. already. If you are full of S.H.I.T. you my be interested in job training others. We can add your name to our BASIC UNDERSTANDING LECTURE LIST (B.U.L.L. S.H.I.T.)
If you have further questions, please direct them to our HEAD OF TRAINING, SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING, (H.O.T.S.H.I.T.) thank you. BOSS IN GENERAL SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING. (B.I.G. S.H.I.T.)
Senior Personal Ads as seen in Florida and Arizona newspapers:
FOXY LADY: Sexy, fashion-conscious blue-haired beauty, 80's, slim, 5'-4" (used to be 5-6), searching for sharp-looking, sharp-dressing companion. Matching white shoes and belt a plus.
LONG-TERM COMMITMENT: Recent widow who has just buried fourth husband, looking for someone to round out a six-unit plot. Dizziness, fainting, shortness of breath not a problem.
SERENITY NOW: I am into solitude, long walks, sunrises, the ocean, yoga and meditation. If you are the silent type, let's get together, take our hearing aids out and enjoy quiet times.
WINNING SMILE: Active grandmother with original teeth seeking a dedicated flosser to share rare steaks, corn on the cob and caramel candy.
BEATLES OR STONES? I still like to rock, still like to cruise in my Camaro on Saturday nights, and still like to play the air guitar. If you were a groovy chick, or are now a groovy hen, let's get together and listen to my boss collection of eight-track tapes.
MEMORIES: I can usually remember Monday through Thursday. If you can remember Friday, Saturday, and Sunday, let's put our two heads together.
MINT CONDITION: Male, 1932, high mileage, good condition, some hair, many new parts including hip, knee, cornea, valves. Not in running condition but walks well.
Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend.
"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
"I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes" replies Watson.
"And what do you deduce from that?"
Watson ponders for a minute.
"Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?"
Holmes is silent for a moment. "Watson, you idiot!" he says. "Someone has stolen our tent!"
Last month, a worldwide survey was conducted by the United Nations. The only question asked was: "Would you please give your most honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"
The survey was a HUGE failure because:
In Africa they did not know what "food" meant;
In Western Europe they did not know what "shortage" meant;
In Eastern Europe they did not know what "opinion" meant;
In the Middle East they did not know what "solution" meant;
In South America they did not know what "please" meant;
In Asia they did not know what "honest" meant; and
In the United States they did not know what "the rest of the world" meant!
Tired of constantly being broke, and stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife (with himself as the beneficiary), and arranging to have her killed.
A "friend of a friend" put him in touch with a nefarious underworld figure, who went by the name of "Artie". Artie explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was £5000. The husband said he was willing to pay that amount, but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money. Artie insisted on being paid SOMETHING up front. The man opened up his wallet, displaying the single pound coin that rested inside. Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, and reluctantly agreed to accept one pound as down payment for the dirty deed.
A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Sainsburys. He followed her and surprised her in the produce department, and proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands. As the poor unsus- pecting woman drew her last breath and slumped to the floor, the manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the scene. Unwilling to leave any witnesses behind, Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well.
Unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by hidden cameras and observed by the store's security guard, who immediately called the police. Artie was caught and arrested before he could leave the store.
Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the sordid plan, including his financial arrangements with the hapless husband.
And that is why, the next day in the newspaper, the headline declared:
"ARTIE CHOKES TWO FOR A POUND AT SAINSBURYS"
One day in the jungle a chimpanzee invented some tools to eat his dinner with. One tool was a flat stick sharpened along one edge; this he used to cut his food. The other was a stick with four smaller sticks attached to the end, each sharpened to a point. He used it to spear his food and place it in his mouth. The chimp was very proud of his inventions. He called them his one-point tool and his four-point tool.
One day he awoke to find that the four-point tool was missing. The chimp was distraught. He ran around the jungle trying to find his precious tool. First he came upon the lion.
"Lion, Lion!" he cried. "Have you seen my four-point tool?"
"No," replied the lion. "I have not seen your four-point tool." Then the chimp came upon the gorilla.
"Gorilla, Gorilla!" he cried. "Have you seen my four-point tool?"
"No," replied the gorilla."! have not seen your four-point tool." Then the chimp came upon the jaguar.
"Jaguar, Jaguar!" he cried. "Have you seen my four-point tool?"
"Yup!" replied the jaguar. "I've seen your four-point tool."
"Well where is it?" inquired the chimp.
"I ate it," said the jaguar, smugly.
"Why would you do that?" cried the chimp.
"Because," replied the big cat ...
"I'm a four-point tool-eater jaguar!"
A woman desperately looking for work goes into the toy factory in Erwin, Texas. The personnel manager looks over her resume and explains to her that he regrets he has nothing worthy of her experience. The woman answers that she really needs work and will take almost anything. The personnel manager hems and haws and finally says he does have a low-skill job on the "Tickle me Eimo" line and nothing else. The woman happily accepts. He takes her down to the line, explains her duties, and tells her that she should be in by 8.00 am the next day.
The next day at 8.45 there's a knock at the personnel manager's door. The "Tickle me Eimo" line manager comes in and starts ranting about the woman just hired. After the man has screamed for 15 minutes about how badly backed up the assembly line is, the personnel manager suggests he show him the problem. Together they head down to the assembly line and, sure enough, Elmos are backed up from here to kingdom come.
Right at the end of the line is the woman just hired. She has an entire roll of the bright fuzzy fabric used to make the Elmos and she has a big bag of marbles. They both watch curiously she cuts a little piece of fabric, takes two marbles and starts sewing them between Elmo's legs. The personnel manager, killing himself laughing, walks over to the new employee and says, "I'm sorry. I guess you misunderstood me yesterday.
"What we need you to do is give Eimo two test tickles."
An Irishman's been drinking at a pub all night. When he stands up to leave, he falls flat on his face. He tries to stand one more time, but to no avail. Again, he falls flat on his face. He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. Once outside, he stands up and, sure enough, he falls flat on his face. The Irishman decides to crawl the four blocks to his home.
When he arrives at the door, he stands up and falls flat on his face. He crawls through the door into his bedroom. When he reaches his bed, he tries one more time to stand up. This time, he manages to pull himself upright but he quickly falls right into bed. He is sound asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow.
He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him, shouting, "So, you've been out drinking again!"
"Why do you say that?" he asks innocently.
"The pub called. You left your wheelchair there again."
Four men were bragging about how smart their dogs were. One was a building engineer, the second man was an accountant, the third man was a chemist, the fourth was an IT Contractor.
To show off, the building engineer called to his dog. "T-square, do your stuff!" T-square trotted over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart, just like his owner.
But the accountant said his dog could do better. He called to his dog and said, "Spreadsheet, do your stuff!" Spreadsheet went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies each. Everyone agreed that was good, just like his owner.
But the chemist said his dog could do better. He called to his dog and said, "Measure, do your stuff!" Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop. Everyone agreed that was pretty impressive, just like his owner.
Then the three men turned to the IT Contractor. and said, "What can your dog do?" The IT Contractor called to his dog and said, "Chargeable, do your stuff!" Chargeable jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk,dumped on the floor, shagged the other three dogs, and wrote out an invoice for $3200.00
Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I cannot accept, and the wisdom to hide the bodies of those people I had to kill today because they pissed me off. And also, help me to be careful of the toes I step on today, as they be connected to the ass that I may have to kiss tomorrow.
Help me to always give 100% at work...
12% on Monday.
23% on Tuesday.
40% on Wednesday.
20% on Thursday.
5% on Friday.
And help me to remember...When I'm having a really bad day, and it seems that people are trying to piss me off, that it takes 42 muscles to frown, and only 4...to extend my middle finger and tell them to bite me! Amen.
This is a bricklayer's accident report that was printed in the newsletter of the English equivalent of the Workers' Compensation Board. This is this Bricklayer's report ... a true story.
Dear Sir;
I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block #3 of the accident reporting form. I put "Poor Planning" as the cause of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the following details will be sufficient.
I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed my work, I found I had some bricks left over which when weighed later were found to weigh 240 lbs. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I Decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley which was attached to the side of the building at the sixth floor.
Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to insure a slow descent of the 240 lbs of bricks. You will note on the accident reporting form that my weight is135 lbs.
Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I Proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel which was now proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed. This explains the fractured skull,minor abrasions and the broken collarbone, as listed in Section 3,accident reporting form.
Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley which I mentioned in Paragraph 2 of this correspondence. Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of the excruciating pain I was now beginning to experience.
At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, the barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs. I refer you again to my weight. As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent down the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and severe lacerations of my legs and lower body.
Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked.
I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain, unable to move and watching the empty barrel six stories above me,I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope and I lay there watching the empty barrel begin its journey back one time.