Jason calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program..
The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck.
She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, 'If you can catch me, you can have me.'
Without a second thought, Jason takes off after her. A few miles later huffing and puffing, he finally gives up..
The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same the thing happens.
On the fifth day, Jason weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs. as promised!
He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program.
The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, 'If you catch me you can have me'.
Well, Jason is out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck. So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.
Much to his delight on the fifth day when Jason weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 20 lbs. as promised. He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program.
'Are you sure?' asks the representative on the phone... 'This is our most rigorous program.'
'Absolutely,' Jason replies, 'I haven't felt this good in years.'
The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, 'If I catch you, you're mine.'
In a software design meeting, we were using typical technical jargon to discuss a data exchange interface with a vendor. One co-worker said the programming we had ordered was delayed because the vendor was suffering from a "severe nonlinear waterfowl issue."
Curious, the team leader raised his eyebrows and asked, "What exactly is that?"
The programmer replied, "They don't have all their ducks in a row."
10. A "baby monitor." Makes those closed door meetings easier to hear.
9. A pregnancy test kit with a positive result and an unsigned note saying, "I told you that damn condom ripped."
8. Put a piece of tape on the underside of his mouse. That way the ball doesn't roll and it will take the jerk and the IS department all day to figure it out.
7. 32 beepers, all stashed in different places. Borrow them from managers who are forced to wear them 24 hours a day. Page a different beeper every 15 minutes. This works especially well if you also switch his morning decaf with espresso.
6. First, simply hide pot seeds and watch as your clueless boss waters and nutures the plants daily. Second, watch as boss is escorted out of the building three months later by security.
5. Thong, lace bra the morning after the company Christmas party.
4. Nonchalantly drop lingerie and then kick it under the front of his desk (where he can't see it, but visitors can) early in the morning before an important meeting. Then, during the meeting, stare quizzically at the floor under his desk.
3. A memo from Accounting Department requesting a meeting to review his recent purchases on the company credit card?
2. An open and empty condom wrapper.
And the number one fun thing to hide in your boss's office ...
1. A stained dress.
1. Turn the radio on. When the examiner goes to turn it off slap his/her hand.
2. Rev the car really high, turn to the examiner, and say with an evil look, "Buckle up!"
3. Knock over every cone while doing maneuverability. In the middle of it, get out and check to see if you have hit every one.
4. Come dressed in a suit. Before the examiner gets in the car, ask him/her to put a piece of plastic wrap down so he doesn't dirty the seat.
5. When the examiner tells you to stop, step on the gas. Tell him/her that you thought it was the brake.
6. When the examiner tells you to stop, pop the hood latch and say "Oops."
7. Get in the car, look down at the pedals, and say, "Now which one is the gas again?"
8. After the examiner gets in the car, pop the hood, and get out and check the oil.
9. Fill your car with beer bottles.
10. The whole time driving, talk about how Aunt Gertrude smells like mothballs.
11. Tell the registrar that you are taking the remedial test.
12. In the middle of driving, put your arm around the examiner.
13. Swear at everybody on the road.
14. When you stop at a light, start revving the engine while looking back and forth between the person next to you and the light.
15. Beep your horn at everything.
16. Break off your rear-view mirror and then ask the examiner to hold it up.
Finding a bottle on the beach, Jake uncorks it and releases a genie.
"Ah, now you get three wishes," says the genie.
"Great!" Jake replies. "First, I want one billion dollars."
Poof! There's a flash, and a paper with Swiss bank account numbers appears in Jake's hand.
"Next, I want a nice ocean-side house in Hawaii."
Poof! Another flash, and he is holding the deed to an ocean side property in Hawaii.
"Finally," Jake says, "I want to be irresistible to women." Poof! There's another blinding flash,
...and Jake turns into a box of chocolates.
A man came walking up to the house when he noticed his grandfather sitting on the porch, in the rocking chair, with nothing on from the waist down.
"Grandpa, what are you doing?" he exclaimed.
The old man looked off in the distance without answering.
"Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?" he asked again.
The old man slowly looked at him and said, "Well, last week I sat out here with no scarf on, and I got a stiff neck. This is your grandma's idea".
** Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
** If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?
** Just think how much deeper the ocean would be if sponges didn't live there.
** If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
** Whatever happened to preparations A through G?
** If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?
** I went for a walk last night and my kids asked me how long I'd be gone. I said, "The whole time."
** So what's the speed of dark?
** How come you don't ever hear about gruntled employees? And who has been dis-ing them anyhow?
** After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting OUT of the water?
** Why don't they just make mouse-flavored cat food?
** If you're sending someone some Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?
** I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are furious.
** Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?
** Do they have reserved parking for non-handicapped people at the Special Olympics?
** Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
** When a man talks dirty to a woman, its sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it's $3.95 per minute.
** If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?
** Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?
** Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?
** Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?
** How come abbreviated is such a long word?
** If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
** Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery is dead?
** Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do Asians throw hamburgers?
** Why are they called buildings, when they're already finished? Shouldn't they be called builts?
** Why are they called apartments, when they're all stuck together?
** Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" on money they already know you don't have?
** If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?
Human Resources Director went to heaven where she was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself. "Welcome to Heaven," said St. Peter. "we've never once had a Human Resources Director make it this far and we're not really sure what to do with you."
"No problem, just let me in," said the woman.
"Well, I'd like to, but I have higher orders. What we're going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose whichever one you want to spend an eternity in."
"Actually, I think I've made up my mind, I prefer to stay in Heaven", said the woman.
"Sorry, we have rules". And with that St. Peter put the executive in an elevator and it went down-down-down to hell.
The doors opened and she found herself stepping out onto a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a country club and standing in front of her were all her friends, fellow executives that she had worked with and they were all dressed in evening gowns and cheering for her. They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks and they talked about old times.
They played an excellent round of golf and at night went to the country to enjoy an excellent steak and lobster dinner. She met the Devil who was actually a really nice guy (kinda cute) and she had a great time telling jokes and dancing. She was having such a good time that before she knew it; it was time to leave. Everybody shook her hand and waved good-bye as she got on the elevator. The elevator went up-up-up and opened back up at the Pearly Gates and found St. Peter waiting for her.
"Now it's time to spend a day in heaven," he said. So she spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds and playing the harp and singing. She had a great time and before she knew it; it was time to leave and St Peter came and got her.
"So, you've spent a day in hell and you've spent a day in heaven. Now you must choose your eternity," he said.
The woman paused for a second and then replied, "Well, I never thought I'd say this, I mean, Heaven has been really great and all, but I think I had a better time in Hell."
So St. Peter escorted her to the elevator and again she went down-down-down back to Hell. When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth. She saw her friends were dressed in rags and were picking up the garbage and putting it in sacks. The Devil came up to her and put his arm around her.
"I don't understand," stammered the woman, "yesterday I was here and there was a golf course, country club, we ate lobster, we danced and had a great time. Now, there is only wasteland of garbage and all my friends look miserable."
The Devil looked at her and smiled .....
"Yesterday we were recruiting you, today you're a staff..."
*So you think you're computer-illiterate?*
Check out the following excerpts from a Wall Street Journal article by Jim Carlton --
Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to "Press Return Key" because of the flood of calls asking where the "Any" key is.
AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.
Another Compaq technician received a call from a man complaining that the system wouldn't read word processing files from his old diskettes. After trouble-shooting for magnets and heat failed to diagnose the problem, it was found that the customer labeled the diskettes then rolled them into the typewriter to type the labels.
Another AST customer was asked to send a copy of her defective diskettes. A few days later a letter arrived from the customer along with Xeroxed copies of the floppies.
A Dell technician advised his customer to put his troubled floppy back in the drive and close the door. The customer asked the tech to hold on, and was heard putting the phone down, getting up and crossing the room to close the door to his room.
Another Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of trouble-shooting, the technician discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hitting the "send" key.
Another Dell customer needed help setting up a new program, so a Dell tech suggested he go to the local Egghead. "Yeah, I got me a couple of friends,"the customer replied. When told Egghead was a software store, the man said, "Oh, I thought you meant for me to find a couple of geeks."
Yet another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his tub with soap and water and soaking the keyboard for a day, then removing all the keys and washing them individually.
A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was enraged because his computer had told him he was "bad and an invalid". The tech explained that the computer's "bad command" and "invalid" responses shouldn't be taken personally.
An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn't get her new Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button. Her response, "I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happens." The "foot pedal" turned out to be the computer's mouse.
Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her brand-new computer wouldn't work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in, and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked "What power switch?"
*True story from a Novell NetWare SysOp:*
Caller: "Hello, is this Tech Support?"
Tech Rep: "Yes, it is. How may I help you?"
Caller: "The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?"
Tech Rep: "I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?"
Caller: "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer."
Tech Rep: "Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped, it's because I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotional, at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?"
Caller: "It came with my computer, I don't know anything about a promotional. It just has '4X' on it." At this point the Tech Rep had to mute the caller, because he couldn't stand it. The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder, and snapped it off the drive.
Billy Bob and Billy Joe, two rednecks from Arkansas, decided that they weren't going anywhere in life and thought they should go to college to get ahead. Billy Bob went to see Professor Homer, who told him to take math, history, and logic.
"What's logic?" asked Billy Bob.
Professor Homer answered, "Let me give you an example. Do you own a weedeater"?
"I sure do!" answered Billy Bob.
"Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard," replied the professor.
"That's real good!" Billy Bob responded in awe.
Professor Homer continued, "Logic will also tell me that since you have a yard, you also have a house."
Impressed, Billy Bob shouted, "AMAZIN'!!!"
"And since you own a house, logic dictates that you have a wife."
"Yes! She's Betty Mae! This is incredible!" (Billy Bob was now obviously catching on.)
"Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are heterosexual," said Professor Homer.
"You're absolutely right! Why that's the most fascination' thing I ever heard tell of. I cain't wait to take this here logic class of yours."
Billy Bob, proud of the new world opening up to him walked back into the hallway, where his friend,
Billy Joe, was still waiting. "So what classes are ya takin"? asked Billy Joe.
"Math, history, and logic," replied Billy Bob.
"What in tarnation is logic"? asked Billy Joe.
"Let me give you an example," smiled Billy Bob. "Do ya' own a weedeater"?
"No," replied Billy Joe.
"You're queer, ain't ya'?"
Lockheed F-16 Fighting Falcon - $25 million
Lockheed F-117 Nighthawk Stealth Fighter - $45 million
Boeing B-52 Stratofortress - $74 million
Brand new B-2 Stealth Bomber - $2.1 billion
A decent map of downtown Belgrade -- Priceless
** Take your own sweet time when doing ANYTHING.
** Pronounce all one-syllable words with two.
** When giving directions, finish with "it's right down yonder on the left."
** Talk REAL slow, and ask them to speak more slowly so you can understand what they're saying.
** When they talk nostalgically about the West, tell 'em "Delta's ready when you are!"
** Talk loudly and often about SEC football or ACC basketball.
** Refer to every soft drink as a Coke.
** Always order sweet tea and/or grits. When they don't have it, raise a ruckus.
** Offer to send 'em a bottle of fresh air.
** Insist on being addressed by your first AND middle names. (e.g. Lisa Marie -- John Michael -- Billy Bob. . .)
** Address all males as "son" and females as "little lady".
** Correct their pronunciation of certain words. For example: It's "pee-can."
** Put Tabasco on everything.
** When invited to dinner, offer to bring dessert. Show up with a box of Moon Pies... banana ones.
** Name all of your children "Bubba".
** Use the word "reckon" in a sentence.
** "Mash" buttons. "Cut" off lights. "Carry" the kids to school. "Fetch" something.
** Never simply "do" something. Be "fixin to do" something.
** Tell them you don't have an accent, they do.
** Be sure to include "yes/no ma'am/sir" in all conversations..
** Only use landmarks and ramble on when giving directions. "Now go down Jeff Davis Highway and turn left at where the Chevron station used to be. I think they turned it into a Amoco. Or maybe a BP. Anyway, turn right there. . ." " You said left." "Did I? Well, turn left there and follow it until you see a big fish on your left. I remember when that fish used to be on the other side of town.."
** If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
** Learn to work the toilet seat. When the lid is up, put it down.
** Birthdays, valentimes, and anniversaries are not quests to find that perfect present,,,,again.
** If you ask a question you don't want an answer to , expect an answer you don't want to hear.
** Sometimes we're not thinking about you. Live with it.
** Sunday sports-- -- it's like the full moon, or the changing of the tides. It can't be altered, so just let it be.
** Don't ask us what we're thinking, unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as sex, shortstops, or carburators.
** Shopping is not a sport.
** Anything you wear is fine. Really!
** You have enough clothes.
** You have too many shoes.
** Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.
** No, we don`t know what day it is. We never will. Mark all anniversaries on a caleneder.
** Yes, peeing standing up is harder than peeing from point blank range. We're bound to miss sometime.
** Most guys own 2 or 3 pairs of shoes. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair out if 30 would look good with your dress?
** Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers.
** A headache that lasts for 17 days is a problem. See a doctor.
** Your mom doesn't have to be our best friend.
** Don`t fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived.
** Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissable in an argument. All comments become null and void after7 days.
** If something we said can be interpreted 2 ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, then we meant the other one.
** You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done, but not both.
** Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women, how can we know how pretty you are?
** Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
** Christopher Columbus didn't need directions, and neither do we.
There was a chicken farmer who only had one old rooster in the henhouse. Needless to say, he wasn't up to much. The farmer brought a new rooster, and put him in the henhouse. The old rooster saw the new rooster and decided he'd better do something.
He walked up to the new rooster, and said, "you think you're pretty hot stuff, don't you?" The new rooster said "I know I'm head of this hen house." The old rooster challenged him to a race around the hen-house, 10 laps. Whoever won, will get to be head rooster. The new rooster thinks this is too easy and so says, "I'll even give you a head start."
Bang, off they went, with the old rooster 1 lap ahead of the new rooster. The hens are going wild, cuckooing and squawking, (they all wanted a young rooster for once.) The new rooster was beginning to gain, and the noise got louder.
Just as the new rooster was about a foot away from beating the old rooster, the farmer ran in, because of the noise. He saw the new rooster running after the old rooster. He had a gun, and promptly shot the new rooster.
"Damn" he says, "that's the third gay rooster I bought this month."
A blonde decides to try horseback, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle... In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip...
She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horses anyway...
The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider.. Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the horse to try and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup, she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over...
As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her good fortune....
....the Wal-Mart Manager sees her and shuts off the horse.
Thank you for calling the United States Army. I'm sorry, but all of our units are out at the moment, or are otherwise engaged. Please leave a message with your country, name of organization, the region, the specific crisis, and a number at which we can call you. As soon as we have sorted out the Balkans, Iraq, Korea, China, the Y2K Bug, marching up and down the streets of Washington, D.C., and compulsory 'Consideration Of Others' training, we will return your call.
Please speak after the tone, or if you require more options, please listen to the following numbers:
If your crisis is small, and close to the sea, press 1 for the United States Marine Corps.
If your concern is distant, with a temperate climate and good hotels, and can be solved by one or two low risk, high altitude bombing runs, please press 2 for the United States Air Force. Please note this service is not available after 1630 hours, or on weekends. Special consideration will be given to customers requiring satellite or stealth technology who can provide additional research and development funding.
If your inquiry concerns a situation which can be resolved by a bit of grey flannel, bunting, flags and a really good marching band, please write, well in advance, to the United States Navy. Please note that Tomahawk missile service is extremely limited and will be provided on a first-come, first-served basis.
If your inquiry is not urgent, please press 3 for the Rapid Deployment Force.
If you are in real hot trouble, please press 4, and your call will be routed to the United States Army Special Operations Command. Please note that a compulsory credit check will be required to ensure you can afford the inherent TDB costs. Also be aware that USASI may bill your account at any time and is not required to tell you why, as it will be classified.
If you are interested in joining the Army and wish to be shouted at, paid little, have premature arthritis, put your wife and family in a condemned hut miles from civilization, and are prepared to work your *** off daily, risking your life, in all weathers and terrains, both day and night, whilst watching Congress erode your original benefits package, then please stay on the line. Your call will shortly be connected to a bitter, passed-over Army Recruiter in an old strip mall down by the Post Office.
Have a pleasant day and thank you again for trying to contact the United States Army.
One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God, "Lord, I have a problem!"
"What's the problem, Eve?"
"Lord, I know you've created me and have provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, and that hilarious comedy snake, but I'm just not happy."
"Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above.
"Lord, I am lonely. And I'm sick to death of apples."
"Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you."
"What's a 'man', Lord?"
"This man will be a flawed creature, with aggressive tendencies, an enormous ego and an inability to empathize or listen to you properly. All in all, he'll give you a hard time. But, he'll be bigger and faster and more muscular than you. He'll be really good at fighting and kicking a ball about and hunting fleet-footed ruminants and not altogether bad in the sack."
"Sounds great," says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow.
"Yeah, well. He's better than a poke in the eye with a burnt stick." But, you can only have him on one condition."
"What's that, Lord?"
"You'll have to let him believe that I made him first."
There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things mechanical. After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he happily retired.
Several years later, the company contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible problem they were having with one of their multi-million dollar machines. They had tried everything and everyone to get the machine fixed, but to no avail. In desperation, they called on the retired engineer who had solved so many of their problems in the past.
The engineer reluctantly took the challenge. He spent a day studying the huge machine. At the end of the day, he marked a small "x" in chalk on a particular component of the machine and proudly stated, "This is where your problem is."
The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly again. The company received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for his services. They demanded an itemized accounting of his charges.
The engineer responded:
One chalk mark . . . . . . . . . . . . . $1
Knowing where to put it . . . . . . . $49,999
A woman wants the inside of her house painted and she calls a contractor in to help her. They wander around the house, and she points out the colors she wants. She says, "Now, in the living room, I'd like to have a neutral beige, very soft and warm."
The contractor nods, pulls out his pad of paper and writes on it. Then he goes to the window, leans out and yells, "Green side up!"
The woman is most perplexed but she lets it slide. They wander into the next room. She says, "In the dining room I'd like a light white, not stark, but very bright and airy." The contractor nods, pulls out his pad of paper and writes on it. Then he goes to the window, leans out, and yells "Green side up"! The woman is even more perplexed but still lets it slide. They wander further into the next room. She says, "In the bedroom, I'd like blue. Restful, peaceful, cool blue."
The contractor nods, pulls out his pad of paper and writes on it. Then once more he goes to the window, leans out and yells "Green side up"!
This is too much. The woman has to ask. So she says, "Every time I tell you a color, you write it down, but then you yell out the window 'Green side up.' What on earth does that mean?"
The contractor shakes his head and says, "I have four blondes laying sod across the street."
Be on the lookout for symptoms of inner peace. The hearts of a great many have already been exposed to inner peace and it is possible that people everywhere could come down with it in epidemic proportions. This could pose a serious threat to what has, up to now, been a fairly stable condition of conflict in the world.
Some signs to look for:
** A tendency to think and act spontaneously rather than on fears based on past experiences.
** An unmistakable ability to enjoy each moment.
** A loss of interest in judging other people.
** A loss of interest in interpreting the actions of others.
** A loss of interest in conflict.
** A loss of the ability to worry. (This is a very serious symptom.)
** Frequent, overwhelming episodes of appreciation.
** Contented feelings of connectedness with others and nature.
** Frequent attacks of smiling.
** An increasing tendency to let things happen rather than make them happen.
** An increased susceptibility to the love offered by others as well as the uncontrollable urge to extend it.
By the time the sailor pulled into a little town, every hotel room was taken.
"You've got to have a room somewhere," he pleaded. "Or just a bed, I don't care where."
"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant - an Air Force guy," admitted the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you."
"No problem," the tired Navy man assured him. "I'll take it."
The next morning the sailor came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "How'd you sleep?" asked the manager.
"Never better."
The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring?"
"Nope, I shut him up in no time" said the Navy guy.
"How'd you manage that?" asked the manager.
"He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room," the sailor explained.
"I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, and said, 'Goodnight, beautiful,' and he sat up all night watching me."
1. And your crybaby whiny opinion would be...?
2. Do I look like a people person?
3. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
4. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
5. I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.
6. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
7. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
8. You!... Off my planet!
9. If I want to hear the pitter patter of little feet, I'll put shoes on my cats.
10. Does your train of thought have a caboose?
11. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
12. A PBS mind in an MTV world.
13. Allow me to introduce my selves.
14. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
15. Suburbia: where they tear out the trees and then name streets after them.
16. Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.
17. See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil.
18. I have a computer, a remote control, and pizza delivery. Why should I leave the house?
19. Not all men [women] are annoying. Some are dead.
20. Did I mention the kick in the groin you'll be receiving if you touch me?
21. A woman's favorite position is CEO.
22. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
23. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
24. Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.
25. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?
26. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
27. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
28. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
29. Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.
30. I plead contemporary insanity.
31. And which dwarf are you?
32. How do I set a laser printer to stun?
33. Meandering to a different drummer.
34. I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?
God created the mule, and told him, "You are mule. You will work constantly from dusk to dawn, carrying heavy loads on your back. You will eat grass and lack intelligence. You will live for 35 years."
The mule answered, "To live like this for 35 years is too much. Please, give me no more than 20."
And it was so.
Then God created the dog, and told him, "You are dog. You will hold vigilance over the dwellings of Man, to whom you will be his greatest companion. You will eat his table scraps and live for 30 years."
The dog responded, "Lord, to live 30 years as a dog like that is too much. Please, no more than 10 years."
And it was so.
God then created the monkey, and told him, "You are monkey. You shall swing from tree to tree, acting like an idiot. You will be funny, and you shall live for 20 years."
The monkey responded, "Lord, to live 20 years as the clown of the world is too much. Please, Lord, give me no than 10 years."
And it was so.
Finally, God created Man and told him, "You are Man, the only rational Being that walks the earth. You will use your intelligence to have mastery over the creatures of the world. You will dominate the earth and live for 20 years."
The man responded, "Lord, to be Man for only 20 years is too little. Please, Lord; give me the 15 years the mule refused, the 20 years the dog refused, and the 10 years the monkey rejected."
And so God made Man to live 20 years as a man, then marry and live 15 years like a mule working and carrying heavy loads on his back. Then, he is to have children and live 20 years as a dog, guarding his house and eating the leftovers after they empty the pantry; then, in his old age, to live 10 years as a monkey, acting like an idiot to amuse his grandchildren.
And it is so...
At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on thewrong finger?" The other replied, "Yes, I am, I married the wrong man."
After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." The husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."
A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.
I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her.
Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.
My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got two girlfriends.
A husband said to his wife, "No, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law better than I like mine."
A man meets a genie. The genie tells him he can have whatever he wants, provided that his mother-in-law gets double. The man thinks for a moment and then says, "OK, give me a million Dollars andbeat me half to death."
How do most men define marriage? A very expensive way to get your laundry done free.
A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did.
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.
"Managing senior programmers is like herding cats." - Dave Platt
"Do not meddle in the affairs of cats, for they are subtle and will piss on your computer." - Bruce Graham
"There is no snooze button on a cat who wants breakfast." - Unknown
"Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods. Cats have never forgotten this." - Anonymous
"Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to pull a sled through snow." - Jeff Valdez
"In a cat's eye, all things belong to cats." - English proverb
"As every cat owner knows, nobody owns a cat." - Ellen Perry Berkeley
"One cat just leads to another." - Ernest Hemmingway
"Dogs come when they're called; cats take a message and get back to you later." - Mary Bly
"Cats are rather delicate creatures and they are subject to a good many ailments, but I never heard of one who suffered from insomnia." - Joseph Wood Krutch
"People that hate cats, will come back as mice in their next life." - Faith Resnick
"There are many intelligent species in the universe. They are all owned by cats." - Anonymous
"I have studied many philosophers and many cats. The wisdom of cats is infinitely superior." - Hippolyte Taine
"No heaven will not ever Heaven be; Unless my cats are there to welcome me." - Unknown
"There are two means of refuge from the miseries of life: music and cats." - Albert Schweitzer
"The cat has too much spirit to have no heart." - Ernest Menaul
"Dogs believe they are human. Cats believe they are God."
"Time spent with cats is never wasted." - Colette
"Some people say that cats are sneaky, evil, and cruel. True, and they have many other fine qualities as well." - Missy Dizick
"You will always be lucky if you know how to make friends with strange cats." - Colonial American proverb
"Cats seem to go on the principle that it never does any harm to ask for what you want." -Joseph Wood Krutch
"I got rid of my husband. The cat was allergic"
"My husband said it was him or the cat ... I miss him sometimes."
"Cats aren't clean, they're just covered with cat spit."
Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says "you don't know Jack Schitt". Soon you will be able to handle this situation....
Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt and O. Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, maried O.Schitt, the owner of Knee-Deep Schitt Inc. In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt and the deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie, the twins Deep and Dip, Fulla, Giva and Bull Schitt. Against his parents strong objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school drop out.
After being married for 15 years, Jack and Noe divorced. Noe Schitt married Mr Scherlock and, because her kids were living with them, decided to keep her previous name also. She was known as Noe Schitt Scherlock. Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt and the produced a cowardly son - Chick Noe Schitt (Chick N. Schitt for short).
Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt were inseperable throughout childhood and consequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The Schitt-Happens children are Dawg, Byrd, and Horse Schitt.
Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned with his new Italin bride, Pisa Schitt. Now, when someone says that you don't know Jack Schitt, you can correct them....
3 new bonds are being issued:
* Lewinsky bond: Has no maturity
* Gore bond: Has no interest
* Clinton bond: Has no principle.
Today's Stock Market Report:
Helium was up, feathers were down. Paper was stationary.
Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading.
Knives were up sharply.
Cows steered into a bull market.
Pencils lost a few points.
Hiking equipment was trailing.
Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline.
Weights were up in heavy trading.
Light switches were off.
Mining equipment hit rock bottom.
Diapers remained unchanged.
Shipping lines stayed at an even keel.
The market for raisins dried up.
Coca Cola fizzled.
Caterpillar stock inched up a bit.
Sun peaked at midday.
Balloon prices were inflated.
Scott Tissue touched a new bottom.
And batteries exploded in an attempt to recharge the market.
A couple had two little boys, ages 8 and 10, who were excessively mischievous. The two were always getting into trouble and their parents could be assured that if any mischief occurred in their town their two young sons were in some way involved. The parents were at their wits end as to what to do about their sons' behavior. The mother had heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children in the past, so she asked her husband if he thought they should send the boys to speak with the clergyman.
The husband said "We might as well. We need to do something before I really lose my temper!"
The clergyman agreed to speak with the boys, but asked to see them individually. The 8 year old went to meet with him first. The clergyman sat the boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?" The boy made no response, so the clergyman repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God?" Again the boy made no attempt to answer. So the clergyman raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face, "WHERE IS GOD?" At that point the boy bolted from the room and ran directly home, slamming himself in the closet.
His older brother followed him into the closet and said, "What happened?"
The younger brother replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time. God is missing and they think we did it."
At the 1994 annual awards dinner given by the American Association for Forensic Science, AAFS president Don Harper Mills astounded his audience in San Diego with the legal complications of a bizarre death. Here is the story:
On 23 March 1994, the medical examiner viewed the body of Ronald Opus and concluded that he died from a shotgun wound to the head. The decedent had jumped from the top of a ten-story building intending to commit suicide. (He left a note indicating his despondency). As he fell past the ninth floor, his life was interrupted by a shotgun blast through a window, which killed him instantly. Neither the shooter nor the decedent was aware that a safety net had been erected at the eighth floor level to protect some window washers and that Opus would not have been able to complete his suicide anyway because of this.
Ordinarily, Dr. Mills continued, a person who sets out to commit suicide ultimately succeeds even though the mechanism might not be what he intended. That Opus was shot on the way to certain death nine stories below probably would not have changed his mode of death from suicide to homicide. But the fact that his suicidal intent would not have been successful caused the medical examiner to feel that he had a homicide on his hands. The room on the ninth floor from whence the shotgun blast emanated was occupied by an elderly man and his wife. They were arguing and he was threatening her with the shotgun. He was so upset that, when he pulled the trigger, he completely missed his wife and the pellets went through the window, striking Opus. When one intends to kill subject A, but kills subject B in the attempt, one is guilty of the murder of subject B. When confronted with this charge, the old man and his wife were both adamant that neither one knew that the shotgun was loaded.
The old man said it was his long-standing habit to threaten his wife with the unloaded shotgun. He had no intention to murder her, therefore, the killing of Opus appeared to be an accident. That is, the gun had been accidentally loaded. The continuing investigation turned up a witness who saw the old couple's son loading the shotgun approximately six weeks prior to the fatal incident. It transpired that the old lady had cut off her son's financial support and the son, knowing the propensity of his father to use the shotgun threateningly, loaded the gun with the expectation that his father would shoot his mother.
The case now becomes one of murder on the part of the son for the death of Ronald Opus. There was an exquisite twist. Further investigation revealed that the son, one Ronald Opus, had become increasingly despondent over the failure of his attempt to engineer his mother's murder. This led him to jump off the ten-story building on March 23, only to be killed by a shotgun blast through a ninth story window. The medical examiner closed the case as a suicide.
The police were going door to door warning everyone to evacuate because the river was rising. One door they came to, the man said "GOD will save me".
The river continued to rise and he was forced to move everthing to the second floor of his house. A man in a boat came by and offered to save him. Again he said "GOD will save me".
Pretty soon the second story was flooded and he was forced to get on the roof of his house. A helicopter came by and tried to save him and yet again he said "GOD will save me".
It wasn't long before the house was completely covered and the man died and went to heaven. He confronted God with "Why didn't you save me, GOD?"
And God said " I sent you the police, a boat and a helicopter. Why did you stay in the house?"
10. You're so tired you now answer the phone, "Hell."
9. Your friends call to ask how you've been, and you immediately scream, "Get off my back, man!"
8. Your garbage can IS your "in" box.
7. You wake up to discover your bed is on fire, but go back to sleep because you just don't care.
6. You have so much on your mind, you've forgotten how to pee.
5. Visions of the upcoming weekend help you make it through Monday.
4. You sleep more at work than at home.
3. You leave for a party and instinctively take your ID badge.
2. Your Day Timer exploded a week ago.
1. You think about how relaxing it would be if you were in jail right now.
10) Ellen DeGeneres - Suffocates in the closet
9) Susan Lucci -Trips and breaks her neck while running up steps to accept an Emmy
8) Jenny McCarthy - Struck by a random thought
7) Frank Sinatra - Killed by Stranglers in the Night
6) RuPaul - Prostate Cancer
5) O.J. Simpson - Murdered by the "real Killer" in an apparent suicide
4) Madonna - Exposure
3) Unabomber - Mail bomb returned due to "insufficient postage"
2) Al Gore - Dutch Elm Disease
and the "Predicted" NUMBER ONE MOST IRONIC CELEBRITY DEATH
1) Bill Gates - Falls out of a Window
1. The Dairy Association's huge success with the campaign "Got Milk?" prompted them to expand advertising to Mexico. It was soon brought to their attention the Spanish translation read "Are you lactating?"
2. Coors put its slogan, "Turn it loose," into Spanish, where it was read as "Suffer from diarrhea".
3. Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer Electrolux used the following in an American campaign: "Nothing sucks like an Electrolux".
4. Clairol introduced the "Mist Stick", a curling iron, into German only to find out that "mist" is slang for manure. Not too many people had use for the manure stick".
5. When Gerber started selling baby food in Africa, they used the same packaging as in the US, with the smiling baby on the label. Later they learned that in Africa, companies routinely put pictures on the label of what's inside, since many people can't read.
6. Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the name of a notorious porno magazine.
7. An American T-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the Spanish market which promoted the Pope's visit. Instead of "I saw the Pope" (el Papa), the shirts read "I saw the potato" (la papa).
10. Frank Perdue's chicken slogan, "it takes a strong man to a tender chicken" was translated into Spanish as "it takes an aroused man to make a chicken affectionate".
11. When Parker Pen marketed a ball-point pen in Mexico, its ads were supposed to have read, "it won't leak in your pocket and embarrass you". Instead, the company thought that the word "embarazar" (to impregnate) meant to embarrass, so the ad read: "It won't leak in your pocket and make you pregnant".