Jokes Page 10

IBM Memo about Peripheral Replacement
Three Salesmen
Non-Sequitur Quotations
A Fishy Story
Puns
More Puns
Yet More Puns
Beer Testing (1)
Beer Testing (2)
Dumb Men Jokes
TEXAS COMPUTER DEFINITIONS
How NOT to behave in your Doctor's Office
The Picture Diet
Doctor Vs. Mechanic
Ways to Tell If You Have PMS:
Computer Dictionary
Blonde Joke
Another Blonde Joke
Yet Another Blonde Joke
Not Another Blonde Joke
Things Only A Mom Can Teach You:
Practice Makes...
Feeling Like a Woman
Tax Day Is Approaching...
Creative Ways to Say Someone is Stupid:
Oldies but Goodies
By Any Other Name...
Can't explain...
The Ventriloquist
Tim Allen's Computer Upgrade

IBM Memo about Peripheral Replacement

This is an actual alert to IBM Field Engineers that went out to all IBM Branch Offices. The person who wrote it was very serious. The rest of us may find it rather funny.

Abstract: Mouse Balls Available as FRU (Field Replacement Unit) Mouse balls are now available as FRU. Therefore, if a mouse fails to operate or should it perform erratically, it may need a ball replacement. Because of the delicate nature of this procedure, replacement of mouse balls should only be attempted by properly trained personnel.

Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining the underside of the mouse. Domestic balls will be larger and harder than foreign balls. Ball removal procedures differ depending upon manufacturer of the mouse. Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop-off method. Domestic balls are replaced using the twist-off method. Mouse balls are not usually static sensitive. However, excessive handling can result in sudden discharge. Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse maybe used immediately.

It is recommended that each replacer have a pair of spare balls for maintaining optimum customer satisfaction, and that any customer missing his balls should suspect local personnel of removing these necessary items.

Back to TopBack To Top

Three Salesmen

Three salesmen were driving cross country when their car broke down far from civilization. After walking for some distance they came to a farmhouse. They asked the farmer if there was a service station nearby.

He replied that there was one in town but that it wouldn't be open until the next day. He offered to let them stay at his house that night, on one condition..."Don't draw attention to my son, he's very sensitive because he was born without any ears."

After agreeing to his wishes the salesmen spent the night with the farmer. The next morning at the breakfast table the son noticed that the salesmen were staring at him. "What are you looking at?," he demanded.

The first salesman replied, "I was looking at your beautiful smile, it's important to take care of your teeth so you don't have to wear dentures."

The second salesman said, "I was looking at your thick curly hair, it's important to take care of your hair so you don't go bald and have to wear a wig."

The third said, "I was looking at your clear blue eyes, it's important to take care of your eyes,...Lord knows you can't wear glasses."

Back to TopBack To Top

Non-Sequitur Quotations

"I have a great diet. You're allowed to eat anything you want, but you must eat it with naked fat people." - Ed Bluestone

"Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a moron." - George Carlin

"You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the hell she is." - Ellen DeGeneris

"I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain." - Carol Leifer

"A hotel is a place that keeps the manufacturers of 25-watt bulbs in business." - Shelley Berman

"Don't spend two dollars to dry clean a shirt. Donate it to the Salvation Army instead. They'll clean it and put it on a hanger. Next morning buy it back for seventy-five cents." - Billiam Coronel

"I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets." - Dave Edison

"Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you? But when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window." - Steve Bluestone

"I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry." - Rita Rudner

"Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place." - Johnny Carson

"Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie' until you can find a rock." -Will Rogers

"Never moon a werewolf." - Mike Binder

Back to TopBack To Top

A Fishy Story

It was April 4th 44, being a quadruple leap year, I was driving downtown Atlantis, my Baracuda was in the shop, so I was in a rented Stingray and it was overheating. I pulled into a Shell Station, they said I'd blown a seal. I said "Fix the damn thing and leave my private life out of it, pal".

While they were doing that I walked over to a place called The Oyster Bar, a real dive. But I knew the owner, he used to play for the Dolphins. I said "Hi, Gill!" (you have to yell, he's hard of herring) Gill was also down on his luck, fact is, he was barely keeping his head below water. I bellied up to the Sand Bar, he poured the usual: Rusty Grunion, shaken not stirred, with a peanut butter and jellyfish sandwich on the side, heavy on the mako. I slipped a fin, on porpoise.

I was feeling good. I even dropped a sand dollar in the box for Jerry's Squids. For the halibut. Well, the place was crowded - we were packed in like sardines. They were all there to listen to the big band sounds of Tommy Dorsal. What sole. Tommy was rocking the place with a very popular tuna, "Sand Enchanted Evening". The stage was surrounded by screaming guppies, probably there to see the bass player.

One of them was this cute little yellowtail. She was giving me the eye, so I thought this was chance to have a little fun. Or a piece of Pisces. But she said things I just couldn't fathom. She was too deep. Seemed to be under a lot of pressure. Boy, could she drink! She drank ........ she drank a lot. I said "What's your sign?", she said "Aquarium". I said "Great! Let's get tanked!" I invited her up to my place for a little midnight bait. I said "C'mon, it'll only take a few minnows". She threw me that same old line, "Not tonight - I got a haddock".

She wasn't kidding either, because just then in came in the biggest, meanest haddock I ever seen come down the pike. He was covered with mussels. He came over to me and said "Listen Shrimp! Don't you come trolling around here!" What a crab. This guy was steamed. I could see the anchor in his eyes. I turned to him and said "Abalone! - you're just being shellfish". Well, I knew there was going to be trouble, and so did Gill, because he was already on the phone to the cods. The haddock hits me with a sucker punch. I catch him with a left hook. He eels over. It was a fluke, but there he was, lying on the deck, as flat as a mackerel. Kelpless. I said "Forget the cods, Gill, this guy's gonna need a sturgeon".

Well, the yellowtail was impressed with the way I landed her boyfriend. She came over to me, she said "Hey big boy, you're really a game fish - what's your name?" I said "Marlin". Well, from then on we had a whale of a time. I took her to dinner, I took her to dance, I bought her a bouquet of flounders. Then I went home with her. And what did I get for my troubles? A case of the clams. I think I had a wet dream - cruisin' thru the Gulfstream...

Back to TopBack To Top

Puns

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft it sank-proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.

Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.

A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He sidles up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

This guy goes into a restaurant for a Christmas breakfast while in his hometown for the holidays. After looking over the menu he says, "I'll just have the eggs Benedict." His order comes a while later and it's served on a big, shiny hubcap. He asks the waiter, "What's with the hubcap?" The waiter sings, "O, there's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise!"

When she told me I was average, she was just being mean.

A neutron goes into a bar and asks the bartender, "How much for a beer?" The bartender replies, "For you, no charge.""

Back to TopBack To Top

More Puns

Two atoms are walking down the street and they run into each other. One says to the other, "Are you all right?" "No, I lost an electron!" "Are you sure?" "Yeah, I'm positive!"

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's Novocain during root canal work? He wanted to transcend dental medication.

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?," they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

A doctor made it his regular habit to stop off at a bar for a hazelnut daiquiri on his way home. The bartender knew of his habit, and would always have the drink waiting at precisely 5:03 p.m. One afternoon, as the end of the workday approached, the bartender was dismayed to find that he was out of hazelnut extract. Thinking quickly, he threw together a daiquiri made with hickory nuts and set it on the bar. The doctor came in at his regular time, took one sip of the drink and exclaimed, "This isn't a hazelnut daiquiri!" "No, I'm sorry," replied the bartender, "it's a hickory daiquiri, doc."

A hungry lion was roaming through the jungle looking for something to eat. He came across two men. One was sitting under a tree and reading a book; the other was typing away on his typewriter. The lion quickly pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him. Even the king of the jungle knows that readers digest and writers cramp.

There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

Back to TopBack To Top

Yet More Puns

A guy goes to a psychiatrist. "Doc, I keep having these alternating recurring dreams. First I'm a tepee; then I'm a wigwam; then I'm a tepee; then I'm a wigwam. It's driving me crazy. What's wrong with me?" The doctor replies: "It's very simple. You're two tents."

A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sent a picture of himself to his mom. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "But they are twins-if you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

Back to TopBack To Top

Beer Testing (1)

USA, Palo Alto, CA (AP) -- "Yesterday scientists revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones. To prove their theory, the scientists fed 100 men 12 pints of beer and observed that 100% of them gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became emotional, and couldn't drive. No further testing is planned."

Back to TopBack To Top

Beer Testing (2)

USA, Palo Alto, CA (AP) -- "Yesterday scientists revealed that beer contains small traces of male hormones. To prove their theory, the scientists fed 100 women 12 pints of beer and observed that 100% of them started fights, made passes, became obnoxious, and wouldn't ask for directions while driving. No further testing is planned."

Back to TopBack To Top

Dumb Men Jokes

1. Grow your own dope- Plant a man

2. Why are all blond jokes one liners? So men can understand them.

3. What is the difference between government bonds and men? Government bonds mature.

4. What did God say after he created man? I can do better than this.

5. How do men define a 50/50 relationship? We cook/ they eat, We clean/ they dirty, We iron/ they wrinkle.

6. What does a man consider a seven course meal? A hotdog and a six pack.

7. What is a man's idea of helping w/ the housework? Lifting his so you can vacum.

Back to TopBack To Top

TEXAS COMPUTER DEFINITIONS

Hard Drive: Trying to climb a steep, muddy hill with 3 flat tires, pulling a flatbed trailer loaded with alfalfa hay.

Keyboard: Place to hang your truck keys.

Window: Place in the truck to hang your gun.

Floppy: When you run out of Polygrip.

Modem: How you got rid of the weeds in the pasture.

ROM: Delicious when you mix it with coca cola.

Byte: The next thing that happens after you hear that rattling sound, down in the snake grass.

Reboot: What you do when your old pair gets encrusted with barn droppings.

Network: Activity meant to provide bait for your trout line.

Mouse: Fuzzy, soft thing you stuff in your beer bottle in order to get a free case.

LAN: To borrow as in, "Hey Delbert! LAN me yore truck."

Cursor: What you do when you find out your wife drank up all your Lone Star.

Website: The place in the barn where the spiders live.

Newsgroup: When the wives get together to gossip at the Widder Hawkins' place.

Screen Saver: The paint you put on your screen door when it begins to rust.

CPU: When you look down and see a cow pattie.

Browser: What you do when a purty gal walks by in the general store.

Chipset: Two piles of buffalo dung, side by side.

C++: The best grade you got before dropping out of school.

Motherboard: The process of jacking up your mama and backing the pickup under her, for her Saturday trip to the bingo hall.

Back to TopBack To Top

How NOT to behave in your Doctor's Office

OK, We all go the doctor for our aches, pains worries and some of us just to have someone to listen to our problems. Guess What, doctors are human too, so here are is a guide of what to do and not to do

Code of Ethical Patient Behavior

(The Patient's "HYPOCRATIC" Code")

1. DO NOT EXPECT YOUR DOCTOR TO SHARE YOUR DISCOMFORT

They've already heard it before. Just sit back and take the pain

2. BE CHEERFUL AT ALL TIMES

If you make your doctors unhappy, they might just make a slip with the needle as they are inserting it into your butt.

3. TRY TO SUFFER FROM THE DISEASE FOR WHICH YOU ARE BEING TREATED

Remember that your doctor has a professional reputation to uphold. It wouldn't look to good if you are smiling when the medical books indicate you should be wincing

4. IT'S STILL SEXUAL HARRASSMENT

Even if you're babes, your sustained and repeated come-ons to pay in "trade" are still harrassment.

5. NEVER ASK YOUR DOCTOR TO EXPLAIN WHAT HE IS DOING OR WHY HE IS DOING

Hey, 4 years of medical school, 4 - 7 years in residency and another one or two in fellowships have already made it impossible for your doctor to speak normal English anyway.

6. SUBMIT TO NOVEL EXPERIMENTAL TREATMENT READILY

Though the surgery may not benefit you directly, the resulting research paper will surely be of widespread interest, and you might even become famous in a medical textbook, or if you really complain enough, have a procedure named after you.

7. PAY YOUR MEDICAL BILLS PROMPTLY AND WILLINGLY

See #2, Keep you doctor happy..

8. NEVER DIE WHILE IN YOUR DOCTOR'S PRESENCE OR UNDER HIS DIRECT CARE

Really bad form

9. THERE IS NO EXCUSE FOR SMELLING LIKE THAT... YES WE DO SMELL YOU... TAKE A BATH

Your treatment room can't be used for others for the rest of the day and you almost killed the doctor.

10. FARTING IS NOT "NATURAL AND ORDINARY" JUST CAUSE YOU'RE WITH A DOCTOR

You may likely be told you need a referral to a "specialist" .

11. IT TURNS OUT THE NURSES DO NOT WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH YOU

It's a shame but true...

Back to TopBack To Top

The Picture Diet

One time when I was home visiting my folks, my mom asked me to set the table for dinner. I opened the refrigerator and taped to the inside of the door was a risqué picture of a lovely, slender, perfectly built, but scantily-clad young woman.

"Mom, what's this?" I asked.

"Oh, I put that up there to remind me not to over-eat," she answered.

"Is it working?" I asked.

"Yes and no," she explained. "I've lost 15 pounds, but your dad has gained 20!"

Back to TopBack To Top

Doctor Vs. Mechanic

Larry was removing some engine valves from a car on the lift when he spotted the famous heart surgeon Dr. Bill Johnson, who was standing off to the side, waiting for the service manager. Larry, somewhat of a loud mouth, shouted across the garage, "Hey Johnson...Is dat you? Come over here a minute."

The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to where Larry was working on a car. Larry in a loud voice, all could hear, said argumentatively, "So Mr. fancy doctor, look at this work. I also take valves out, grind 'em, put in new parts, and when I finish this baby will purr like a kitten. So how come you get the big bucks, when you and me are doing basically the same work?"

Johnson, very embarrassed, walked away, and said softly, to Larry, "Try doing your work with the engine running."

Back to TopBack To Top

Ways to Tell If You Have PMS:

** Everyone around you has an attitude problem.

** You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelette.

** The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.

** Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.

** You're using your cellular phone to dial up every bumpersticker that says, "How's my driving- call 1-800-###-####.

** Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice.

** Inanimate objects get on your nerves.

** You're counting down the days until menopause.

** You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.

** The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.

** You dump the pretzels out of the bag, and eat the salt.

** While simultaneously eating a gallon of ice cream.

** You cry at commercials one minute, and contemplate assault the next.

Back to TopBack To Top

Computer Dictionary

386: No, 486: Oops, Pentium: The only chip to consider if you're thinking of buying a PC. Until Intel ramps up the 686.

640K: The salary the average Wall Street PC analyst pulls in each year.

Algorithm: A catchy 1930 song by George and Ira Gershwin.

Availability: Date when a dozen copies of the beta version will be hurriedly shrink-wrapped for the benefit of the press and the investment community.

Backup: The chore you were really, honestly, going to do the very next thing before you switched drive letters and accidentally copied older, out-of-date versions of you files over all your newer ones at 3 a.m.

Buffer: The only other job - involving a chamois at the car wash - for which most computer store salespeople are qualified.

Bundled software: Free applications like home dentistry packages and Esperanto spelling dictionaries that are thrown in with cheap clones so you think you're getting real value for your money.

CD-ROM: A $30 dollar mechanism in a $300 cabinet that accesses vast quantities of valuable information too slowly to use.

Copy protection: A sly technique employed by hardware vendors to combat software piracy by continually changing the size and compatibility of disk drives (from 160K to 320K to 360K to 1.2MB to 720K to 1.44MB to 2.88MB, etc.).

CP/M: An antiquated operation system from the early days of computing, based on inscrutable prompts like A>, terse commands, and absurdly backward conventions, such as 11-character limits on filenames. Contrasted with today's modern versions of DOS.

Database, flat-file: A program selling for under $500 that most people use to keep lists of names and addresses, etc.

Database, relational/programmable: A program selling for over $500 that most people use to keep lists of names and addresses, etc.

Debugging: The process of uncovering glitches by packaging prerelease software as finished products, then waiting for irate customers to report problems.

Downward compatibility: You really didn't have to spend the money for the upgraded version, since all you use anyway is the old set of features.

End User: One born every minute.

Entry level: Only slightly above most users' heads.

Expanded memory: RAM that is, uh, well, um, different from extended memory.

Expansion slot: The computer didn't come with everything you needed.

Extended memory: RAM that is, uh, well, um, different from expanded memory.

FAX: Originally a last resort for procrastinators who missed the final Federal Express pickup; these days, an expensive way to order lunch from the pizza place around the corner.

Firmware: Software with permanent bugs hardwired into it.

Icon: One picture is worth a thousand lawsuits. Or, as Shakespeare might have put it, "He who steals my trash better have a large purse.

Installation routine: A process employed by many applications to overwrite and thereby trash the user's existing and painstakingly created AUTOEXEC.BAT and CONFIG.SYS files

Interface, character-based: A way of presenting information to the user that's every bit as good as a user interface except in the areas of readability, ease of use, intuitiveness, and productivity.

Interface, graphic user (GUI): An increasingly popular way of presenting information to the user, originally designed by Xerox PARC and now being adopted by dozens of competitors; otherwise known as the Trial Attorney Full Employment Act.

Laptop: A dinky keyboard wedded to a lousy LCD screen, all with bad battery life.

Live links: A clever system that lets you unknowingly corrupt data in lots of separate files at the same time.

Low-bandwidth: The process of talking to a corporate press relations official. (Question: How many IBM PR types does it take to change a light bulb? Answer: We'll have to get back to you on that.)

Nanosecond: The time it takes after your warranty expires for your hard disk to start making a sound like a monkey wrench in a blender.

NiCad battery: A cell that powers a laptop long enough to let you do three solid hours of work, then dies before you're ready to save any of it to disk.

Open system: Made up of parts from different manufacturers so that, when you crash, each vendor can blame the others.

Optional: It should have come free, but someone in the marketing department ran 1-2-3 and figured they'd double their profits this way.

Parity: A ninth memory bit that one time in nine will crash an otherwise perfectly functioning system when it detects an error in itself.

Partition: A wall you have to build around a noisy dot matrix printer that makes only slightly less noise than a tree chipper.

Point-and-shoot: You mean you'd rather click on a menu choice than have to type things like DEVICE=\DOS\UTS\DRIVER.SYS /D:0 /T:80 /S:15 /H:2 /F:1 ?

Power Surge: What an MIS director feels when he denies you access to your own database.

Power user: Someone who's read the manual all the way through once.

Productivity: Printing out 30 different versions of your document before getting the spacing correct.

Real-time clock: A 50-dollar option based on a five-cent chip.

SAA: Silly And Awkward.

Shell: A clumsy program that forces users to stumble through ten menus to get anything done instead of typing a simple three-character command.

Shock-mounted: Make sure you're sitting down when you ask the price.

Spreadsheet: Sophisticated software that can be used as a database, rudimentary word processor, graphing program, and, in a pinch, a ledger.

Stack: The place in the corner of the room where you pile unopened software manuals.

Standard: Manufactured by the company that does the flashiest advertising.

Support: Fast, simple, courteous, friendly, accurate help available to any user who happens to work for any company that bought 1,000 copies of the product.

Throughput: What you feel like doing with your foot and your computer screen after you see the message "General Failure Error Reading Drive C:".

Toll-free hotline: An AT&T busy-signal test number.

Toner cartridge: A device to refill laser printers; invented by the Association of American Dry Cleaners.

Torture test: Everyone - from the FedEx guy to the clerk who opened the box to the trainee who executed the speed test - accidentally dropped it.

Tutorial: A program that forces you to sit through lessons on every last obscure and little-used feature of an application while ignoring overall fundamental tricks that would make you far more productive.

Unix, year of: See Calendar, perpetual.

Value-added: A lot more expensive.

Virus: Commonly, the belief of incompetent users that some mysterious external force is to blame for their mistakes at the keyboard.

Workstation: Any PC that sells for more than $10,000.

XT: All the computer that most users who just type letters and run typical spreadsheets will ever need, even though a 386 machine will reformat their text a whole tenth of a second faster.

Back to TopBack To Top

Blonde Joke

A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning, the wife (undoubtedly blonde also), picked up the phone, listened a moment and said, "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up.

The husband said, "Who was that?"

The wife said, "I don't know, some woman wanting to know 'if the coast is clear.'

Back to TopBack To Top

Another Blonde Joke

Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, "Hmm, this person looks familiar."

The second blonde says, "Here,let me see!"

So the first blonde hands her the compact. The second one looks in the mirror and says, "You dummy, it's me!"

Back to TopBack To Top

Yet Another Blonde Joke

A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her own head.

The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it!"

The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next!"

Back to TopBack To Top

Not Another Blonde Joke

What did the blonde say to her doctor when he told her she was pregnant?

"Is it mine?"

Back to TopBack To Top

Things Only A Mom Can Teach You:

** My Mother taught me about ANTICIPATION... "Just wait until your father gets home."

** My Mother taught me about RECEIVING.... "You are going to get it when we get home!"

** My Mother taught me to MEET A CHALLENGE... "What were you thinking? Answer me when I talk to you ... Don't talk back to me!"

** My Mother taught me LOGIC... "If you fall out off that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

** My Mother taught me AGRICULTURE... "If you don't stop swallowing those seeds you're going to have watermelons growing out your nose."

** My Mother taught me to THINK AHEAD... "If you don't pass your spelling test, you'll never get a good job."

** My Mother taught me ESP... "Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you're cold?"

** My Mother taught me HUMOR... "When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

** My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT... "If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

** My Mother taught me about SEX.... "How do you think you got here?"

** My Mother taught me about GENETICS... "You're just like your father."

** My Mother taught me about my ROOTS... "Do you think you were born in a barn?"

** My Mother taught me about WISDOM OF AGE... "When you get to be my age, you will understand.

** And my all time favorite... JUSTICE... "One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you....Then you'll see what it's like."

Back to TopBack To Top

Practice Makes...

Little Johnny was practicing the violin in the living room while his father was trying to read in the den. The family dog was lying in the den, and as the screeching sounds of little Harold's violin reached his ears, he began to howl loudly.

The father listened to the dog and the violin as long as he could. Then he jumped up, slammed his paper to the floor and yelled above the noise, "For Pete's sake, can't you play something the dog doesn't know?!"

Back to TopBack To Top

Feeling Like a Woman

On a Trans-Atlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm.

The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane. "I'm too young to die!" she wails.

Then she yells, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on Earth to be memorable! I've had plenty of relationships in my life, but no one has ever made me really feel like a woman! Well I've had it!

Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN??"

For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril, and they all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.

Then, a man stands up in the rear of the plane. "I can make you feel like a woman," he says. He's gorgeous. Tall, built, with flowing black hair and jet black eyes, he starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt one button at a time. No one moves. The woman is breathing heavily in anticipation as the strange man approaches. He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest as he reaches her, and extends the arm holding his shirt to the trembling woman, and whispers:

"Iron this."

Back to TopBack To Top

Tax Day Is Approaching...

In the market with his dad, a little boy was flipping a quarter into the air and then catching it with his teeth. Someone bumped the little boy at the wrong moment and the quarter came down and lodged into the boy's throat.

The boy starts to choke and his father starts hollering for help.

A middle aged man hears the commotion, casually puts his cart to the side, straightens his coat and tie, and makes his way to the boy and his father.

"Excuse me, sir," the man tells the father. The man reaches down to the still standing (but still choking) boy, carefully takes hold of the kid, and squeezes gently but firmly. After a few seconds, the boy convulses violently and coughs up the quarter, which the man catches in his free hand. The man releases the boy and walks back over to his cart.

After making sure his son is ok, the father walks over to the man and thanks him profusely for saving his son's life. "I've never seen anyone do that -- that's amazing! Are you a surgeon?"

"Oh good heavens, no," replied the slightly embarrassed man.

"I work for the IRS."

Back to TopBack To Top

Creative Ways to Say Someone is Stupid:

** A few clowns short of a circus.

** A few fries short of a Happy Meal.

** An experiment in Artificial Stupidity.

** A few beers short of a six-pack.

** Dumber than a box of hair.

** A few peas short of a casserole.

** Doesn't have all her cornflakes in one box.

** The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead.

** One Fruit Loop shy of a full bowl.

** One taco short of a combination plate.

** A few feathers short of a whole duck.

** All foam, no beer.

** The cheese slid off her cracker.

** Body by Fisher, brains by Mattel.

** Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel.

** He fell out of the Stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down.

** An intellect rivaled only by garden tools.

** As smart as bait.

** Chimney's clogged.

** Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash.

** Doesn't know much but leads the league in nostril hair.

** Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor.

** Her sewing machine's out of thread.

** His antenna doesn't pick up all the channels.

** His belt doesn't go through all the loops.

** If she had another brain, it would be lonely.

** Missing a few buttons on his remote control.

** No grain in the silo.

** Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse.

** Receiver is off the hook.

** Several nuts short of a full pouch.

** Skylight leaks a little.

** Slinky's kinked.

** Surfing in Nebraska.

** Too much yardage between the goal posts.

** Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.

** The lights are on, but nobody's home.

** 24 cents short of a quarter.

Back to TopBack To Top

Oldies but Goodies

Old folks are worth a fortune: With silver in their hair, gold in their teeth, stones in their kidneys, lead in their feet, and gas in their stomachs. I have become a lot more social with the passing of the years; some might even call me a frivolous old gal. I'm seeing five gentlemen every day. As soon as I wake, Will Power helps me get out of bed. Then I go see John. Then Charley Horse comes along, and when he is here, he takes a lot of my time and attention. When he leaves, Arthur Ritis shows up and stays the rest of the day. (He doesn't like to stay in one place very long, so he takes me from joint to joint.) After such a busy day, I'm really tired and glad to go to bed - with Ben Gay. What a life!

P.S. The preacher came to call the other day. He said that at my age, I should be thinking about the hereafter. I told him I do - all the time. No matter where I am - in the parlor, upstairs, in the kitchen, or down in the basement - I ask myself, "Now, what am I here after?"

Back to TopBack To Top

By Any Other Name...

Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other, "Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?"

"Outstanding," Fred replied. "They taught us all the latest psychological techniques: visualization, association, and so on. It was great. I haven't had a problem since."

"Sounds like something I could use. What was the name of the clinic?"

Fred went blank. He thought and thought, but couldn't remember.

Then a smile broke across his face and he asked, "What do you call that flower with the long stem and thorns?"

"You mean a rose?"

"Yes, that's it!"

He turned to his wife, "Hey Rose, what was the name of that memory clinic?"

Back to TopBack To Top

Can't explain...

A farmer was sitting in the neighborhood bar getting drunk. A man came in and asked the farmer, "Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day, getting drunk?" The farmer shook his head and replied, "Some things you just can't explain."

"So what happened that's so horrible?" the man asked as he sat down next to the farmer.

"Well," the farmer said, "today I was sitting by my cow, milking her. Just as I got the bucket full, she lifted her left leg and kicked over the bucket."

"Okay," said the man, "but that's not so bad." "Some things you just can't explain," the farmer replied. "So what happened then?" the man asked. The farmer said, "I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left."

"And then?"

"Well, I sat back down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket full, she took her right leg and kicked over the bucket." The man laughed and said, "Again?" The farmer replied, "Some things you just can't explain." "So, what did you do then?" the man asked.

"I took her right leg this time and tied it to the post on the right."

"And then?"

"Well, I sat back down and began milking her again. Just as I got the bucket full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail." "Hmmm," the man said and nodded his head. "Some things you just can't explain," the farmer said.

"So, what did you do?" the man asked.

"Well," the farmer said, "I didn't have anymore rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. In that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in ... Some things you just can't explain."

Back to TopBack To Top

The Ventriloquist

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and stops to entertain at a bar in a small town.

He's going through his usual run of silly blonde jokes when a big blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and says, "OK jerk, I've heard just about enough of your denigrating blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What do a person's physical attributes have to do with their worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in my community, of reaching my full potential as a person... because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes but women at large... all in the name of humor."

Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize, when the blonde pipes up, "You stay out of this mister, I'm talking to that little jerk on your knee!"

Back to TopBack To Top

Tim Allen's Computer Upgrade

I made a big mistake a few weeks ago, I heard that Tim Allen could fix anything. I am sure you have heard of him, he used to have his own TV show called "Tool Time", it was on ABC under the pseudonym of "Home Improvement." Well anyway, I heard he could give my computer more power. What I had was a fairly generic Pentium 233 system. What I have now is, well, I'll let you find an appropriate descriptive word. Using 2 genuine Binford super-cooled 3000watt refrigeration units, super cooled air is blasted over the 233 CPU overclocked to 1200MHz. Using a Binford high-rise SDRAM card, 6 256 super CPU clocked SDRAM DIMMs are added (for a total of 1552 MB's ram), a hole cut in the top of the case makes room for this tall add-on supercard, complete with 2 Binford high-speed super-cooler fans on each side blowing refrigerated air through them. Using the Binford gigantic 3d AGP Voodoo III stacker high-rise card, 8 Voodoo III cards are added in series for drawing an unprecedented 800,000,000,000,000 3D triangles per second. These cards have drip-less dry-ice packs between them. A 40,000 watt aircraft generator turned by Tim's Hot Rod provides the power. 7 16 gig SCSI U.W. Cheetahs are added to make room for future Windows upgrades. Off the rear of the second Adaptec Binford modified super speed SCSI adapter sits a 166X 200 CD changer tower. The modem had been replaced with a Binford Satellite Internet Dish capable of downloading at 2 Gigs per second on a clear day. The Monitor has been replaced with a Binford High Definition 72" TV. Binford's Super 3D Monster Mega Massive Sound Card was added and connected to Tim's personal Stereo System (specs on this are another story). To save money the floppy drive, keyboard, mouse and pad were not replaced.

Back to TopBack To Top