Jokes Page 9

Blonde Golfer
Guardian Angel
Tongue Tingle
Definitions
10 Fingers
Surgery
20 Years
The Farmer
"Standards"
Top Ten Things You Don't Want To Hear From Your New Teacher
*The Bereaved*
You Know You're At The Wrong Church When...
Job At The Zoo
Sign Language
No Use
Bad For Business
Lunch
Removing A Curse
Right and Wrong
Reasons
Attitude Toward Whiskey
Man Of The House
Shopping
Excuses
Favour
Optimist vs. Pessimist
Buckets
You Know It's Hot Outside When. . . .
Army Rations
Lost Chickens

Blonde Golfer

A blonde golfer goes into the pro shop and looks around frowning.

Finally the pro askes her what she wants. "I can't find any green golf balls," the blonde golfer complains.

The pro looks all over the shop, and through all the catalogs, and finally calls the manufacturers and determines that sure enough, there are no green golf balls.

As the blonde golfer walks out the door in disgust, the pro asks her, "Before you go, could you tell me why you want green golf balls?"

"Well obviously, because they would be so much easier to find in the sand traps!"

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Guardian Angel

A man was walking in the street when he heard a voice: ''Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you.''

The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished. He went on, and after awhile he was going to cross the road.

Once again the voice shouted: ''Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you and you will die.''

The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him. ''Where are you?'' the man asked. ''Who are you?''

''I am your guardian angel,'' the voice answered.

''Oh yeah?'' the man asked... ''And where the hell were you when I got married?''

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Tongue Tingle

Patient: My tongue tingles when I touch it to a cracked walnut wrapped in used toaster oven aluminum foil, what's wrong with me?

Doctor: You have far too much free time.

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Definitions

Doctor : A person who kills your ills by pills, and later kills you with his bills.

Boss : Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.

Tears : The hydraulic force by which masculine will power is defeated by feminine water power.

Atom Bomb : An invention to end all inventions.

Rumour : News that travels more than the speed of sound.

Classic : A book which people praise, but do not read.

Dictionary : The only place where divorce comes before marriage.

Marriage : It's an agreement in which a man loses his bachelors degree and woman gains her masters.

Father : A banker provided by nature.

Politician : One who shakes your hand before elections and your confidence after.

Smile : A curve that can set a lot of things straight.

Diplomat : A person who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip.

Etc : A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.

Committee : Individuals who can do nothing individually, sit to decide that nothing can be done together.

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10 Fingers

A man was working with an electric saw when he accidentally sawed off all ten fingers. He quickly rushed to the emergency room. The doctor there told him, "Give me the fingers and I'll see what I can do."

"But I don't have the fingers!"

"What! You don't have the fingers!?" said the doctor, "You should have brought them to me. We have all kinds of operations we could have done like microsurgery and stuff. We could have put them back as good as new."

"But Doc, I couldn't pick them up."

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Surgery

A redneck hillbilly was making his first visit to a hospital where his teenage son was about to have an operation. Watching the doctor's every move, he asked, "What's that?"

The doctor explained, "This is an anesthetic. After he gets this he won't know a thing."

"Save your time, Doc," exclaimed the man. "He don't know nothing now."

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20 Years

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.

She watches as he wiped a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.

"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room, "Why are you down here at this time of night?"

The husband looks up from his coffee, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly.

"Yes, I do." she replies.

The husband paused. The words were not coming easily.

"Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?"

"Yes, I remember" said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continued. "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter, or I'll send you to jail for 20 years?"

"I remember that too" she replied softly.

He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, "I would have got free today".

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The Farmer

There was a farmer who had many pigs. One day someone went to the farm and asked the farmer, "What do you use to feed your pigs?" "Well, I give them acorn, corn, and things like that. Why?" "Because I am from the Animals Protection Association and I think you don't feed them like you should, they shouldn't eat wastes." Then he fined the farmer.

Some days later, another person arrived and asked the same question. The farmer answered, "Well, I feed them very well. I give them salmon, caviar, shrimp and steak. Why?" "Because I am from the United Nations Organization and I think it's unfair that you feed your pigs like that when there are people dying with nothing to eat." And he fined the farmer.

Finally, another man came in and asked just the same question. The hesitant farmer answered after a few minutes, "Well, I give five dollars to each pig so they can buy whatever they want."

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"Standards"

An American, traveling on a train in Europe, met a Cuban tobacco grower, a Russian vodka distiller and a lawyer.

While they were talking business, the Cuban took out four cigars and passed them around. After lighting his own cigar, the Cuban took one drag and then threw it out the window, explaining that cigars were of no consequence in his country since there was such an abundance of them.

After dinner, the Russian passed out bottles of vodka. After taking just one swig, he threw the bottle out the window, explaining that vodka was of no consequence since, in Russia, it was so plentiful.

The American businessman sat in quiet contemplation for several minutes then arose and threw the lawyer out the window.

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Top Ten Things You Don't Want To Hear From Your New Teacher

"Show of hands...who has a single, slutty mom?"

"I'm gonna learn you all kinds of smart things."

"Daddy is sleepy...wake me at 4."

"Today you'll be dissecting the person sitting next to you."

"Science, scientology, what's the difference?"

"I will learn your names when I sober up!"

"My system is simple...I assign grades by height."

"Anybody need lottery tickets or cigarettes?"

"Sorry I'm late...some bullies threw me into a locker."

"My name is Mr. Parker...but if the feds ask, I'm Mr. Johnson."

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*The Bereaved*

A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, "Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?"

The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your privat grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?"

The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied, "My wife's first husband."

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You Know You're At The Wrong Church When...

... the Bible they use is the "Dr. Seuss Version."

... there's an ATM in the lobby.

... worship services are B.Y.O.S. -- "Bring Your Own Snake."

... no cover charge, but there's a two-drink minimum for communion.

... karaoke Worship Time.

... ushers ask, "Smoking or Non-smoking?"

... the only song the organist knows is "The Macarena".

... Oreos and Kool-Aid are used for communion.

... the Sisterhood grows their own "pot luck".

... the church is closed on Christmas, Easter, and on Sundays.

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Job At The Zoo

Times were tough so when a job came up at the zoo, Jon was the first one there. On arrival he was told that the gorilla had just died and he was to wear a gorilla suit and pretend to be a gorilla until another one could be found.

Jon loved his job - eating bananas, swinging from branch to branch, entertaining visitors, lying about in the sun. Then one day he swung a bit too far and ended up in the lion enclosure. He jumped to his feet when he saw two lions growling fiercely and ran to the fence and screamed for help.

Then as he turned back to face the lions one said, "If you don't stop screaming and shouting we'll all lose our bloody jobs!"

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Sign Language

Two deaf people got married. During the first week of marriage, they found they were unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn the lights off because they can't see each other using sign language.

After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife decides to find a solution. "Honey," she signs, "Why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time."

The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife, "Great idea, now if you want to have sex with me, reach over and pull on my penis one time."

"If you don't want to have sex, reach over and pull on my penis....fifty times."

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No Use

In a Military unit, there was a spurt of Venereal Diseases. The Commanding Officer called the Medical Officer and asked him to educate the troops on how to prevent it. The doctor gave a lecture to the troops, explaining the horrid effects of VD and told them to use condoms to prevent it.

He showed them a condom, and by wearing it on the thumb, showed them that if they use it that way before intercourse, they would not get VD. But there was no change in the number of cases. But the MI room was distributing the condoms in large numbers.

So when he asked the soldiers how they were using the condom, they showed that they were using it on their thumb.

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Bad For Business

Two beggars are sitting on a park bench in Mexico City. One is holding a cross and one a Star of David. Both are holding hats to collect contributions. People walk by, lift their noses at the man with the Star of David, and drop money in the hat held by the man with the cross. Soon the hat of the man with the cross is filled with money, and the hat of the man with the star of David remains empty.

A priest watches and then approaches the men. He turns to the man with the Star of David and says, "Young man. Don't you realize that this is a Catholic country? You'll never get any contributions in this country holding a Star of David."

The man with the Star of David turns to the man with the cross and says, "Moishe, can you imagine, this guy is trying to tell us how to run our business?"

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Lunch

The newly married man came home from work to find his new bride stretched languorously on the sofa, dressed in a very skimpy negligee.

"Guess what I got planned for dinner?", she asked seductively, "And don't you dare tell me you had it for lunch today...."

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Removing A Curse

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.

The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you."

The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."

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Right and Wrong

When I was in high school, Joel, a buddy of mine & I where discussing a girl from French class we had both befriended. Her family had recently relocated to the metro area from a farm way out in the sticks.

We both agreed that we'd never met a sweeter girl before, but she was too naive and trusting.

Joel said, "Listen, for her own good, and as her friends, we've got to teach her quickly what's right & what's wrong."

I replied, "Agreed! You teach her what's right."

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Reasons

"I got married," said the first tavern regular, "so that I could get laid three or four times a week."

"That's funny," said another patron. "That's why I got divorced."

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Attitude Toward Whiskey

A Congressman was once asked about his attitude toward whiskey. "If you mean the demon drink that poisons the mind, pollutes the body, desecrates family life, and inflames sinners, then I'm against it.

But if you mean the elixir of Christmas cheer, the shield against winter chill, the taxable potion that puts needed funds into public coffers to comfort little crippled children, then I'm for it. This is my position, and I will not compromise."

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Man Of The House

The husband had just finished reading the book, 'MAN OF THE HOUSE'. He stormed into the kitchen and walked directly up to his wife.

Pointing a finger in her face, he said, "From now on, I want you to know that I am the man of this house, and my word is law! I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward. Then, after dinner, you are going to draw me my bath so I can relax. And when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"

His wife replied, "The funeral director would be my guess?!"

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Shopping

Watching her aunt as she tried on her new fur coat, young Stephanie said unhappily, "Aunt Cathy, do you realize some poor dumb beast suffered so you could have that?"

Cathy shot her teen niece an angry look and said, "Stephanie, how dare you talk about your uncle like that!"

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Excuses

These are the top ten funniest excuse notes from parents collected by schools from all over this country.

1. Please excuse Lola for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.

2. Jimmy has been absent yesterday because he had two teeth taken out of his face.

3. My daughter is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute her.

4. Please excuse Jenny. She has been sick and under the doctor.

5. Sandra won't be in school a week from today. We have to attend her funeral.

6. Please excuse Holly from Jim today. She is administrating.

7. Kevin was absent from school yesterday because he was playing football. He was damaged in the growing part.

8. Amy could not come to school today because she was bothered by very close veins.

9. Please excuse Johnny for being. It was his father's fault.

10. Please excuse Jesse from school. He had very loose vowels.

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Favour

San and Dan were friends for more than 30 years. Their friendship had weathered innumerable arguments. However, Stan being the more intelligent one, had fared better than Dan in business, which was a constant source of irritation to Dan. Stan was on his death bed with Dan hovering over him. Apparently in his last few moments, Stan called Dan close to him and said, "Dan, you know we've been friends for 30 years now. I have this one last wish which only you, my friend, can grant. Will you do it ?"

"Just tell me what it is Stan" said Dan, "and I'll do it happily. Anything for you, my friend."

"You know Dan, there's this bottle of the finest whisky which I have been saving for the last 15 years. I want you to pour it over my grave when I'm gone. Will you do it ?"

"Sure thing Stan," sai Dan, "But would you mind if I passed it through my kidneys first ?"

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Optimist vs. Pessimist

An optimist sees the best in the world, while a pessimist sees only the worst. An optimist finds the positive in the negative, and a pessimist can only find the negative in the positive.

For example, an avid duck hunter was in the market for a new bird dog. His search ended when he found a dog that could actually walk on water to retrieve a duck. Shocked by his find, he was sure none of his friends would ever believe him.

He decided to try to break the news to a friend of his, a pessimist by nature, and invited him to hunt with him and his new dog.

As they waited by the shore, a flock of ducks flew by. they fired, and a duck fell. The dog responded and jumped into the water. The dog, however, did not sink but instead walked across the water to retrieve the bird, never getting more than his paws wet. This continued all day long; each time a duck fell, the dog walked across the surface of the water to retrieve it.

The pessimist watched carefully, saw everything, but did not say a single word.

On the drive home the hunter asked his friend, "Did you notice anything unusual about my new dog?"

"I sure did," responded the pessimist. "He can't swim."

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Buckets

This wife has been married for seven years and has six kids and is tired of being pregnant. So, she goes to talk to her priest, the priest tells her to go and by a ten gallon bucket and stick her feet in it of a night, she thanks him and goes off to do as he says.

Well six months later the priest sees her and sure enough she is pregnant again. The priest asks her if she followed his instructions, she said yes but that she could not find a ten-gallon bucket, so she bought two five gallon buckets.

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You Know It's Hot Outside When. . . .

**you ask your boss for extra work so you can be in the air conditioning as much as possible

** you've been getting hot flashes, and you're a man

** the swans in the park come in "original recipe" and "extra tasty crispy"

** the strawberries are ripe, and the cab drivers are even riper

** your pool water starts to boil in the sun

** the hot-dogs sold outside Yankee Stadium are actually hot

** pigs complain about sweating like fat humans

** a scalding hot shower still cools you down

** people walking down the sidewalk spontaneously burst into flames

** a $20 surcharge is added to your bill when you eat at air-conditioned restaurants

** the politicians take their hands out of your pockets to fan themselves

** you need a spatula to remove your clothing

** you wish you had gotten the cloth seats instead of leather

** you are sweating in both directions -- up and down!

** you are sitting inside reading these jokes

** your brother's braces make blisters on his lips

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Army Rations

An English soldier, an American soldier and a Russian soldier found themselves sharing a tent while on a military exercise and the conversation turned towards how well fed each of them was.

"In the Russian Army we have 2000 calories of food a day," said the Russian.

"Well," said the Englishman, "In the British Army we are given 4000 calories of food a day."

"That's nothing," said the American, "in the US Army we have 8000 calories of food a day".

At this the Russian got very annoyed. "Nonsense," he said, "how could one man eat so much cabbage?"

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Lost Chickens

The farmer's son was returning from the market with the crate of chicken's his father had entrusted to him, when all of a sudden the box fell and broke open. Chickens scurried off in different directions, but the determined boy walked all over the neighborhood scooping up the wayward birds and returning them to the repaired crate. Hoping he had found them all, the boy reluctantly returned home, expecting the worst.

"Pa, the chickens got loose," the boy confessed sadly, "but I managed to find all twelve of them."

"Well, you did real good, son," the farmer beamed. "You left with seven."

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