Jokes Page 8

Jewish Ventriloquist
Bad Case
Bad Paint Job
You Might be a Microsoft Employee If:
Lab Mice Small Talk About Work
Who Wants To Be a Millionaire
Keep the Motor Running
Protocol
Celebrate
More Bad/Good News
Early Treatment
Good Enough
You Might Be a Caffeine Addict if...
WHAT SMELL?
Hunting an Elephant
YOU MIGHT BE EMPLOYED BY A SCHOOL IF....
iCEO
Bad Eyesight
Biggest Lies
2 to Hoot!
THE SEX LIFE OF THE ELECTRON
3 Nuns
Tired
Different Costs
News Headline
Rules For Female Teachers anno 1915
On The Island
The "Dear John" Letter
Things to Remember when Camping
Little-Known Chocolate Tidbits...

Jewish Ventriloquist

An Italian guy and a Jewish guy go out to dinner. They go to a very expensive restaurant and are there for a couple hours, talking and carrying on.

Finally, the waiter comes over and says, "Who should I give the check to?"

The Italian guy says, "Give it to me. I'll take care of everything."

"Fine," says the waiter.

The next day the headlines read, "Jewish Ventriloquist Strangled to Death."

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Bad Case

This old guy wobbles into an ice cream shop. He has a hard time walking. He is hunched over and has BAD Arthritis.

He goes up to the counter and says, "Banana Split, please".

The lady at the counter replies, "Crushed nuts"?

The old man says, "No, Arthritis".

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Bad Paint Job

There was a tradesman, a painter called Jock, who was very interested in making a penny where he could, so he often would thin down paint to make it go a wee bit further. As it happened, he got away with this for some time.

One day the Baptist Church decided to do a big restoration job on the painting of one of their biggest buildings. Jock put in a bid, and because his price was so low, he got the job.

And so he set to erecting the trestles and setting up the planks, and buying the paint and, yes, I am sorry to say, thinning it down with turpentine.

Well, Jock was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly completed when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder, and the sky opened. The rain poured down, washing the thinned paint from all over the church and knocking Jock clear off the scaffold to land on the lawn among the gravestones, surrounded by tell-tale puddles of the thinned and useless paint.

Jock was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so he got on his knees and cried:

"Oh, God! Forgive me! What should I do?"

And from the thunder, a mighty voice spoke...

"Repaint! and thin no more!"

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You Might be a Microsoft Employee If:

1. When a Microsoft program crashes for the millionth time, you say "Oh, well!" and reboot without any negative thoughts

2. The Windows 95 startup screen (the clouds) makes you feel all warm and fuzzy inside

3. You fully understand why Windows 95's Shutdown Option has to be accessed from the Start Menu

4. You believe Internet Explorer's security flaws were slipped in by a crack team of Netscape programmers

5. You keep valuable papers near your fireplace. Therefore, you are comfortable with Windows 95's "may-delete-it-at-anytime" philosophy

6. You're the Bob that Microsoft Bob was named after

7. Instead of "I'd rather be fishing," your bumper sticker says, "I'd rather be writing buggy Microsoft code"

8. You know the technical difference between OLE 1.0 and OLE 2.0

9. You've ever completed your income taxes while waiting for Windows 95 to boot, and didn't think anything of it

10. You run Solitaire more than any other program, and therefore you consider your computer a Dedicated Solitaire Engine (DSE).

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Lab Mice Small Talk About Work

Two mice met in the early nineteen-sixties, when manned flights in orbit were as yet in the planning stage. After the usual exchange of pleasantries, one said, "But you look worn out, Michael. What's the matter?"

Michael shrugged his little shoulders and said, "Life isn't easy for us scientists, you know. I'm in space research, and those experimental flights in rockets, with the weightlessness and the acceleration and the uncertainty of safe return -- Well, it's hard on one's nerves."

"In that case," said his friend, "why don't you quit and take a job in some other line of work?"

"That's easy to say," said Michael, "but stop and think - Is a job in cancer research any better?"

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Who Wants To Be a Millionaire

A husband and wife are watching "Who Wants To Be a Millionaire," and the husband winks and says, "Honey, let's go upstairs..."

The wife says no, so the husband asks again. Again she says no.

So the husband says, "Is that your final answer?" The wife says yes.

The husband says, "Well, can I phone a friend?"

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Keep the Motor Running

It was the stir of the town when an 80 year old man married a 20 year old girl. After a year she went into the hospital to give birth. The nurse came out to congratulate the fellow saying "This is amazing. How do you do it at your age?"

He answered " You've got to keep that old motor running." The following year she gave birth again.

The same nurse said "You really are amazing. How do you do it?"

He again said "You've got to keep the old motor running."

The same thing happened the next year. The nurse said "You must be quite a man."

He responded "You've got to keep that old motor running."

The nurse then said, "Well, you had better change the oil. This one's black."

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Protocol

During WWII, an American Army Captain stationed in England met and fell in love with a British Lieutenant in the WRENS. After a whirlwind courtship, they became engaged and his fiance wanted him to spend the weekend at her parents' home in the country so they could meet him. When they arrived at a huge estate, a Rolls Royce was parked in front of a circular driveway with a staff of a dozen maids, butlers, gardeners, etc., standing at attention awaiting their arrival. It was obvious to the Yank that his fiance was no ordinary Brit, but of the nobility. Her parents were absolutely taken by her choice of a husband and a delightful weekend was enjoyed by all.

When the Yank returned to his headquarters outside London, he went to the British liaison officer's office, explained what had happened, and asked what the proper protocol would be for him at the wedding.

"At the wedding, pretty much the same as your American weddings, I would say, but a bit more elaborate. The big difference would be after the wedding. You will both have connecting rooms in the Claridge. You will both go to your separate rooms, where you will bathe, apply cologne, put on your pajamas and robe, and go to the door connecting your two rooms. You will rap on the door. She will answer, 'yes,' and you will say, 'I offer you my honor.' She will respond, 'I honor your offer.' That is your permission to enter her room. After that, it's honor and offer All night."

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Celebrate

John was a crotchety old fellow who always took breakfast with his wife. He would read the morning paper while she fumed at his neglect, and today of all days because it was their 25th wedding anniversary.

She fumed, "John! John!! Put down that paper and let's talk about how we are going to celebrate our wedding anniversary today. What do you suggest?"

John put his newspaper down, removed and polished his glasses, stared for a moment into the distance, then said, "How about two minutes of silence?"

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More Bad/Good News

A secretary walked into her boss's office and said, "I'm afraid I've got some bad news for you"

"Why do you always have to give me bad news?" he complained. "Tell me some good news for once."

"Alright, here's some good news," said the secretary. "You're not sterile."

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Early Treatment

An old man went in to see the doctor and said,

"Doc, I'm turning eighty tomorrow. I've hired a hooker for the night, and I'd love to do it just one more time before I die. Can you give me something that'll get me up?"

The doctor smiled. "I don't normally prescribe this stuff, but I think in your case I can make an exception for one night." The doctor writes up a prescription for Viagra and hands it to the geezer.

Later that night, out of curiosity, the doctor phoned the elderly man and asked, "How's it going?"

"Fabulous," the old man said. "I've come three times already."

"That's great," the doctor said. "the hooker must be astounded."

"Not exactly," the old man said. "She's not here yet."

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Good Enough

At the movie theater a man noticed a young woman sitting all by herself. He was excited to see she had both hands under her skirt and was frigging herself furiously.

He moved to the next seat to her and offered his help. She agreed, and the man started fingering her like crazy. When he tired and withdrew his hand, he was surprised to see her go back to work on herself with both hands. Wasn't I good enough?" he asked sheepishly.

You were great," she said, but these crabs are still itching!"

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You Might Be a Caffeine Addict if...

Starbucks has decided to use you as their official mascot.

You've ever carried your coffee cup into the shower with you in the morning.

You regard the fact that your hands are shaking as a good sign.

Your birthday is a national holiday in Colombia.

You go to sleep just to wake up and smell the coffee.

Your coffee pot is next to your bed and your alarm clock is in the kitchen.

You've ever used the airplane's Call button just to get a coffee refill.

You can't remember the last time you blinked.

The dishes in your house are all coffee cups.

Your dog's name is Folgers.

You see nothing wrong with using water joe (caffeinated water) to make the coffee you use to take your no-doze.

You could live in a desert like a hermit, eating bugs for food, as long as you had enough coffee beans with you.

You dip your own espresso beans.

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WHAT SMELL?

Maxine took her car to her mechanic. She told him "Every time I take any of my friends out in my car, after a while there is this terrible smell!! It never happens when I am on my own".

This quite intrigued the mechanic so he said, "OK, lets go for a spin and see what the problem is". Off they went. She drove down a one-way street in the wrong direction at 60 MPH, swerving, hitting the curb on both sides of the street, narrowly missed three pedestrians in pedestrian crossings, ran several red lights, and just missed a policeman on street traffic duty.

They returned to the shop and she said, "There it is now; there's that terrible; smell. Can you smell it?"

"Smell it? Lady, I'm sitting in it !!

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Hunting an Elephant

MATHEMATICIANS hunt elephants by going to Africa, throwing out everything that is not an elephant, and catching one of whatever is left.

EXPERIENCED MATHEMATICIANS will attempt to prove the existence of at least one unique elephant before proceeding to step 1 as a subordinate exercise.

PROFESSORS OF MATHEMATICS will prove the existence of at least one unique elephant and then leave the detection and capture of an actual elephant as an exercise for their graduate students.

COMPUTER SCIENTISTS hunt elephants by exercising Algorithm A:

1. Go to Africa.

2. Start at the Cape of Good Hope.

3. Work northward in an orderly manner, traversing the continent alternately east and west.

4. During each traverse pass,

a. Catch each animal seen.

b. Compare each animal caught to a known elephant.

c. Stop when a match is detected.

EXPERIENCED COMPUTER PROGRAMMERS modify Algorithm A by placing a known elephant in Cairo to ensure that the algorithm will terminate.

ASSEMBLY LANGUAGE PROGRAMMERS prefer to execute Algorithm A on their hands and knees.

ENGINEERS hunt elephants by going to Africa, catching gray animals at random, and stopping when any one of them weighs within plus or minus 15 percent of any previously observed elephant.

ECONOMISTS don't hunt elephants, but they believe that if elephants are paid enough, they will hunt themselves.

STATISTICIANS hunt the first animal they see N times and call it an elephant.

CONSULTANTS don't hunt elephants, and many have never hunted anything at all, but they can be hired by the hour to advise those people who do.

OPERATIONS RESEARCH CONSULTANTS can also measure the correlation of hat size and bullet color to the efficiency of elephant-hunting strategies, if someone else will only identify the elephants.

POLITICIANS don't hunt elephants, but they will share the elephants you catch with the people who voted for them.

LAWYERS don't hunt elephants, but they do follow the herds around arguing about who owns the droppings.

SOFTWARE LAWYERS will claim that they own an entire herd based on the look and feel of one dropping.

SENIOR MANAGERS set broad elephant-hunting policy based on the assumption that elephants are just like field mice, but with deeper voices.

QUALITY ASSURANCE INSPECTORS ignore the elephants and look for mistakes the other hunters made when they were packing the jeep.

SALES PEOPLE don't hunt elephants but spend their time selling elephants they haven't caught, for delivery two days before the season opens.

SOFTWARE SALES PEOPLE ship the first thing they catch and write up an invoice for an elephant.

HARDWARE SALES PEOPLE catch rabbits, paint them gray, and sell them as desktop elephants.

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YOU MIGHT BE EMPLOYED BY A SCHOOL IF....

1. You believe the playground should be equipped with a Ritalin salt lick.

2. You want to slap the next person who says, "Must be nice to work 8 to 3:20 and have summers free."

3. You can tell if it's a full moon without ever looking outside.

4. You believe "shallow gene pool" should have its own box on the report card.

5. You believe that unspeakable evils will befall you if anyone says, "Boy, the kids sure are mellow today."

6. When out in public you feel the urge to snap your fingers at children you do not know and correct their behavior

7. You have no social life between August and June.

8. Marking all A's on report cards would make your life SO much easier.

9. You think people should be required to get a government permit before being allowed to reproduce.

10. You wonder how some parents ever MANAGED to reproduce.

11. You laugh uncontrollably when people refer to the staff room as the "lounge."

12. You encourage an obnoxious parent to check into charter schools or home schooling.

13. You can't have children because there's no name you could give a child that wouldn't bring on high blood pressure the moment you heard it uttered.

14. You think caffeine should be available in intravenous form.

15. You know you are in for a major project when a parent says, "I have a great idea I'd like to discuss. I think it would be such fun".

16. Meeting a child's parent instantly answers the questions, "Why is this kid like this?"

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iCEO

Steve Jobs has now designated himself as the "iCEO" of Apple, saying that it shows the importance of the Internet.

If we assume that this makes him the Executive Internet Officer, and if we further assume that Apple is going to continue the terminally cute practice of putting an "i" in front of everything, and if we assume that, like every other high tech company interested in online commerce, they are going to stick an "e" in front, then, does that make him the "eiEIO?"

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Bad Eyesight

An airline pilot with poor eyesight had managed to pass his periodic vision exams by memorizing the eye charts beforehand. One year, though, his doctor used a new chart that the pilot had never before seen. The pilot proceeded to recite the old chart and the doctor realized that she'd been hoodwinked.

Well, the pilot proved to be nearly blind as a bat. But the doctor could not contain her curiosity. "How is it that someone with your eyesight can manage to pilot a plane at all? I mean, how for example do you taxi the plane out to the runway?"

"Well," says the pilot, "it's really not very hard. All you have to do is follow the instructions of the ground controller over the radio. And besides, the landmarks have all become quite familiar to me over the years."

"I can understand that," replies the doctor. "But what about the take-off?"

"Again, a simple procedure. I just aim the plane down the runway, go to full throttle, pull back on the stick, and off we go!"

"But once you're aloft?"

"Oh, everything's fully automated these days. The flight computer knows our destination, and all I have to do is hit the autopilot and the plane pretty much flies itself."

"But I still don't see how you land!"

"Oh, that's the easiest part of all. All I do is use the airport's radio beacon to get us on the proper glide path. Then I just throttle down and wait for the co-pilot to yell, 'AIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!' pull the nose up, and the plane lands just fine!"

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Biggest Lies

3 Biggest Software Lies: - The program's fully tested and bugfree. - We're working on the documentation. - Of course we can modify it.

3 Biggest Computer Room Lies: - As long as you remember to 'SAVE' your input, you'll never lose any files. - We run the stuff through as fast as it comes in the door. - The new machines on order.

3 Biggest Large Company Lies: - We have an entrepreneurial spirit here. - People are our greatest resource. - We say 'let the marketplace decide'.

3 Biggest Small Company Lies: - We have an entrepreneurial spirit here. - The boss is just one of the guys. - Staying small is a conscious decision.

3 Biggest Marketing Lies: - Immediate delivery?...No problem. - We treat every customer as if they were our most important. - We're going out to lunch to talk business.

3 Biggest Engineering Professor's Lies: - Some day this course will come in handy. - These tests are more trouble for me than they are for you. - This is the way they do it in industry.

3 Biggest Executive Lies: - Money...it's just a score card. - If it were up to me, there'd be no assigned parking spaces. - You have to twist my arm to get me to go on a business trip.

3 Biggest undergraduate student starting Physics Lies: - There are plenty of jobs out there for Physics graduates. - You'll make lots of money in your proffessional career. - The general public respect Physicists.

3 Biggest student teacher lies: - The school will help and support you all they can. - This teaching course is interesting and stimulating. - Kids today are just the same as when you went to school.

3 Biggest advertising lies: - This product will taste as good as it looks. - You really need our product. - If you use our product you will have sex with the same kinds of people as you see in our ad.

3 Biggest mail order lies: - Delivery of your product will occur within 30 days of ordering it. - If you're not satisfied with our product we will guarentee a full refund. - We offer repair of your product free of charge with an accredited repairer in your home State.

3 Biggest retail industry lies: - Our staff are courteous and considerate. - We try to help you with your problem. - You can exchange or get full refund on an item that you're not satisfied with.

3 Biggest politician lies: - I'll be factual and to the point. - I'll give you a straightforward answer to your question. - The government doesn't waste taxpayers money.

3 Biggest parent lies: - We're doing this for your own interest. - You can have that (do that) later (when you're older). - The family can't afford it now.

3 Biggest supermodels lies: - Women normally look like that. - Women should look like that. - Fasting and dieting is good for your health.

3 Biggest beer ads lies: - Drinking beer is for macho men only. - You'll meet good lifelong friends drinking beer in a bar. - Women think drunken loudmouths are sexy.

3 Biggest life lies: - ...and they lived happily ever after. - Dying is painless. - Things have gotten so bad that they couldn't possibly get worse.

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2 to Hoot!

Sally (a blonde) was seen going into the woods with a small package and a large bird cage. She was gone several days but finally she returned. Her friend, Liz, never saw Sally looking' so sad.

Liz, "Heard you went off in the woods for a couple of days. Glad you got back okay... but you look so sad. Why??"

Sally, "Cause I just can't get a man."

Liz, "Well, you sure won't find one in the middle of the woods."

Sally, "Don't be so silly. I know that. But I went in the woods cause I needed something there that would get me a man. But I couldn't find it."

Liz, "I don't understand what you're talking about."

Sally, "Well, I went there to catch a couple of owls. I took some dead mice and a bird cage."

Liz, "So, how's that gonna help you get a man."

Sally, "Well, I heard the best way to get a man is to have a good pair of hooters."

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THE SEX LIFE OF THE ELECTRON

by D.C. Current

One night when his charge was pretty high, Micro-Farad decided to seek a cute little coil to let him discharge.

He picked up Millie-Amp and took her for a ride on his Megacycle. They rode across the Wheatstone Bridge, around the sine waves and stopped in the magnetic field by a flowing current.

Micro-Farad, attracted by Millie-Amp's characteristic curves, soon had her fully charged and excited her resistance to a minimum. He laid her on the ground potential, raised her frequency and lowered her reluctance.

He pulled out his high voltage probe and inserted it in her socket connecting them in parallel, and began short circuiting her resistance shunt. Fully excited, Millie-Amp mumbled, "OHM - OHM - OHM - OHM".

With his tube operating at a maximum and her field vibrating with his current flow, this caused her shunt to overheat and Micro-Farad was rapidly discharged and drained of every electron.

They fluxed all night, trying various connections and sockets, until his magnet had a soft core and lost all of its field strength.

Afterwards, Millie-Amp tried self induction and damaged her solenoids. With his battery fully discharged, Micro-Farad was unable to excite his field, so they spent the rest of the night reversing polarity and blowing each other's fuses.

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3 Nuns

Three nuns are walking down the street, when a man jumps out and flashes them.

The first nun has a stroke, the second nun has a stroke, the third one didn't touch him.

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Tired

Mary was married to a male chauvinist. They both worked full time, but he never did anything around the house and certainly not any housework. That, he declared, was woman's work! But one evening Mary arrived home from work to find the children bathed, a load of wash in the washing machine and another in the dryer, dinner on the stove and a beautifully set table, complete with flowers. She was astonished, and she immediately wanted to know what was going on.

It turned out that Charley, her husband, had read a magazine article that suggested working wives would be more romantically inclined if they weren't so tired from having to do all the housework, in addition to holding down a full-time job.

The next day, she couldn't wait to tell her girlfriends at the office. How did it work out?" they asked.

"Well, is was a great dinner, Mary said. "Charley even cleaned up, helped the kids with their homework, folded the laundry and put everything away."

"I really enjoyed my evening." she went on to say.

"But what about afterward?" her friends wanted to know.

"It didn't work out," Mary said. "Charley was too tired.."

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Different Costs

"Why did your boss jump out of the window?" the detective asked the secretary.

"I don't know", she sobbed, "he was always so nice to me. Two months ago he gave me a fur coat, last month a sports car and just today a diamond ring. Then he asked, what it would cost to be able to ravish me."

"And what did you say?"

"I just said, that the other men in the office always just gave me fifty dollars."

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News Headline

You don't think we have a problem with drugs in America today? I've been reading about Drug dealers who are smuggling drugs into the country in very creative ways, but this is unbelievable; Associated Press is reporting that "NASA found crack in Space Shuttle foam."

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Rules For Female Teachers anno 1915

A friend in the LA School Distric has forwarded me this set of rules of conduct for female teachers in 1915 (school district unknown). My how times have changed.

1. You will not marry during the term of your contract.

2. You are not to keep company with men.

3. You must be home between the hours of 8 p.m. and 6 a.m. unless attending a school function.

4. You may not loiter downtown in ice cream stores.

5. You may not travel beyond the city limits unless you have the permission of the chairman of the board.

6. You may not ride in a carriage or automobile with any man unless he is your father or brother.

7. You may not smoke cigarettes.

8. You may not dress in bright colors.

9. You may under no circumstances dye your hair.

10. You must wear at least two petticoats.

11. Your dresses must not be any shorter than two inches above the ankle.

12. To keep the school room neat and clean, you must: sweep the floor at least once daily; scrub the floor at least once a week with hot, soapy water; clean the blackboards at least once a day; and start the fire at 7 a.m. so the room will be warm by 8 a.m.

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On The Island

An engineer finally splurged on a luxury cruise to the Caribbean. It was the "craziest" thing he had ever done in his life. Just as he was eginning to enjoy himself, a hurricane roared upon the huge ship, capsizing it like a child's toy. Somehow the engineer, desperately hanging on to a life preserver, managed to wash ashore on a secluded island.

Aside from beautiful scenery, a spring-fed pool, bananas and coconuts, there was little else. He lost all hope and for hours on end, sat under the same palm tree. One day, after several months had passed, a gorgeous woman in a small rowboat appeared. "I'm from the other side of the island," she said. "Were you on the cruise ship, too?" "Yes, I was," he answered. "But, where did you get that rowboat?" "Well, I whittled the oars from gum tree branches, wove the reinforced gunnel from palm branches, and made the keel and stern from a Eucalyptus tree." "But, what did you use for tools?" asked the engineer. "There was a very unusual strata of alluvial rock exposed on the south side of the island. I discovered that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. Anyhow, that's how I got the tools. But, enough of that," she said. "Where have you been living all this time" I don't see any shelter." "To be honest I've just been sleeping on the beach," the engineer said.

"Would you like to come to my place?" the woman asked. The engineer nodded dumbly. She expertly rowed them around to her side of the island, and tied up the boat with a handsome strand of hand-woven hemp topped with a neat back splice. They walked up a winding stone walk she had laid around a palm tree. There stood an exquisite bungalow, painted in blue and white. "It's not much, but I call it home." Inside, she said, "Sit down, please; would you like to have a drink?" "No, thanks," said the engineer. "One more coconut juice and I'll throw up!" "It won't be coconut juice," the woman replied. "I have a crude still out back, so we can have authentic Pina Coladas."

Trying to hide his amazement, the man accepted the drink, and they sat down on her couch to talk. After they had exchanged stories, the woman asked, Tell me, have you always had a beard?" "No," the engineer replied. "I was clean shaven all of my life until I ended up on this island." "Well, if you'd like to shave, there's a razor upstairs in the bathroom cabinet." The man, no longer questioning anything, went upstairs to the bathroom and shaved with an intricate bone-and-shell device honed razor sharp. Next he showered, not even attempting to fathom a guess as to how she managed to get warm water into the bathroom, and went back downstairs. He couldn't help but admire the masterfully carved banister as he walked.

"You look great," said the woman. "I think I'll go up and slip into something more comfortable." As she did, the engineer continued to sip his Pina Colada. After a short time, the woman, smelling faintly of gardenias, returned wearing a revealing gown fashioned out of pounded palm fronds. "Tell me," she asked, "we've both been out here for a very long time with no companionship. You know what I mean. Haven't you been lonely, too... isn't there something that you really, really miss? Something that all men and women need? Something that would be really nice to have right now!" "Yes, there is!" the man replied, shucking off his shyness.

"There is something I've wanted to do for so long. But on this island all alone, it was just... well, it was impossible.!" "Well, it's not impossible, any more," the woman said. The engineer, practically panting in excitement, said breathlessly: "you mean. you actually figured out some way we can CHECK OUR E-MAIL!"

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The "Dear John" Letter

The soldier serving overseas and far from home was annoyed and upset when his girl wrote breaking off their engagement and asking for her photograph back.

He went out and collected from his friends all the unwanted photographs of women that he could find, bundled them all together and sent them to her with a note stating the following:

"Regret can not remember which one is you ... please keep your photo and return the others."

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Things to Remember when Camping

A potato baked in the coals for one hour makes an excellent side dish.

A potato baked in the coals for three hours makes an excellent hockey puck.

You can start a fire without matches by eating Mexican food, then breathing on a pile of dry sticks.

The guitar of the noisy teenager at the next campsite makes excellent kindling.

A large carp can be used for a pillow.

Check the washing instructions before purchasing any apparel to be worn camping. Buy only those that read "Beat on a rock in stream."

The sight of a bald eagle has thrilled campers for generations. The sight of a bald man, however, does absolutely nothing for the eagle.

It's entirely possible to spend your whole vacation on a winding mountain road behind a large motor home.

Effective January 1, 2000, you will actually have to enlist in the Swiss Army to get a Swiss Army Knife.

In an emergency, a drawstring from a parka hood can be used to strangle a snoring tent mate.

Setting a Tuba on the picnic table at your campsite does an excellent job of keeping the sites around you empty.

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Little-Known Chocolate Tidbits...

If you get melted chocolate all over your hands, you're eating it too slowly.

Chocolate covered raisins, cherries, orange slices and strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want.

Problem: How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the store in hot car.

Solution: Eat it in the parking lot.

Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It'll take the edge off your appetite and you'll eat less.

A nice box of chocolates provide your total daily intake of calories in one place. Isn't that handy?

If calories are an issue, store your chocolate on top of the fridge. Calories are afraid of heights and they will jump out of the chocolate to protect themselves.

Equal amounts of dark chocolate and white chocolate is a balanced diet.

The preservatives in chocolate make you look younger.

Q. Why is there no such organization as Chocoholics Anonymous?

A. Because no one wants to quit.

Put "eat chocolate" at the top of your list of things to do today. That way, at least you'll get one thing done!

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