Jokes Page 4




How to Handle Stress

  • Jam 39 miniature marshmallows up your nose and try to sneeze them out.
  • Find out what a frog in the blender really looks like.
  • Forget the diet center and send yourself a candy gram.
  • Dance naked in front of your pets.
  • Tattoo "OUT TO LUNCH" on your forehead.
  • Buy a subscription to Sleazoid Weekly and send it to your bosses wife.
  • Relaxing by mentally reflecting on your favorite episode of the "Flintstones" during an important finance meeting.
  • Sit naked on a shelled hard-boiled egg.
  • Refresh yourself; put your tongue on a cold steel guardrail
  • Tell your boss to blow it out his mule, and let him figure it out.
  • Polish your car with earwax
  • Bill your doctor for the time spent in his waiting room.
  • Lie on your back; eat celery, using your navel as a salt dipper.
  • Make a tape recording of a lion roaring and play it while frolicking with your kitten in front of the neighbors.
  • Ask your neighbor if anything got broken in last night's earth quake.
  • Ride up the escalator facing backwards.
  • Write a letter to the editor condemning scientists for trying to wipe out whole species like the AIDs virus.
  • Phone the minister of finance and demand a tax increase.
  • Send a letter of resignation from your boss to your boss' boss.
  • Write your boss' resume and submit it to various headhunters.
  • Phone your dentist and tell him you've changed your mind, you want that wisdom tooth back.
  • Tell your husband/wife he/she was adopted. <duh, huh?>
  • Phone the university and report that you are an extraterrestrial and would they volunteer to return to your home planet.
  • Phone any government agency and ask them "So just what is it you people do all day anyway?"



How to Get Even With Someone

  • Garage Sale - Place an ad in the classified section of your local newspaper advertising a GIGANTIC Garage Sale listing the address of your victim. Advertise televisions, cam-corder, vintage automobile, antiques, etc. Sale begins at 6:00 a.m. all items in the backyard, just come around back and come early!
  • X-Rays at Airports Purchase a large adult bedroom toy. Wrap it in a large amount of tin foil. Secretly hide it in a piece of the victims carry on luggage. As it goes through the airport x-ray machine the contents of the device will be shielded by the tin foil and will be unwrapped and inspected by airport security officials. An absolute classic...
  • Oil Spot - At night pour used oil underneath the victim's car while parked in the driveway. Pour enough that will be alarming. Continue to do this each night. The subject will spend great deals of money trying to get the oil leak repaired time and time again. I have even heard of a person buying a new car after the repeated attempts at repair. Imagine their surprise when that new car starts leaking too.
  • Flat Tire - Very similar to the Oil Spot, but with a twist. Let most of the air out of one of your victim's tires. Keep doing this each night, and watch as they call a tow truck or the Automobile Club day after day. Odd how those new tires keep losing air, too.
  • Paper Money - Write a sexually oriented solicitation message, victim's name and phone number (inviting a phone call) on the edge of several pieces of paper money before spending them. The victim will receive many eye popping inquiries. Another favorite...
  • Fax Machines - Write whatever you wish on 9 pages of 8 1/2 by 11 inch paper and tape them together (end to end). Dial the victim's fax number and start sending the pages through. After page two has been transmitted, tape the top of page 1 to the bottom of page 9 making a continuous loop. The document will continue to cycle until the victim's fax machine has run out of paper. Be sure and disable your phone number from being printed on the fax and also disable caller I.D. This prank is great to get even with a business or individual who has somehow cheated you. This can have same results as Oil Spot.
  • Dogs - Purchase a silent dog whistle. In the early hours of the morning (2am-4am) go near the victim's house and blow the silent whistle and the dog will begin to bark uncontrollably until the owner awakes and disciplines the animal. When the owner goes back to bed repeat the process again.



White Hair

One day, a little girl is sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly notices that her mother has several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast to her brunette hair. She looks at her mother and inquisitively asks, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"

Her mother replied "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."

The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then asked, "Momma, how come all of Grandma's hairs are white?"




Nut House Suicide

After hearing that one of the patients in a mental hospital had saved another from a suicide attempt by pulling him out of a bathtub, the director reviewed the rescuer's file and called him into his office.

"Mr. James, your records and your heroic behavior indicate that you're ready to go home. I'm only sorry that the man you saved later killed himself with a rope around the neck."

"Oh, he didn't kill himself," Mr. James replied. "I hung him up to dry."




Mole Family

A mama mole, a papa mole, and a baby mole all live in a little mole hole. One day the papa mole sticks his head out of the hole, sniffs the air and says, "Yum! I smell maple syrup!"

The mama mole sticks her head out of the hole, sniffs the air and says "Yum! I smell honey!"

The baby mole tries to stick his head out of the hole to sniff the air, but can't because the bigger moles are in the way so he says, "Geez, all I can smell is....

MOLASSES!




Computer Experts Dictionary

ADA: Something you need to know the name of to be an Expert in Computing. Useful in sentences like, "We had better develop an ADA awareness."

BUG: An elusive creature living in a program that makes it incorrect. The activity of "debugging," or removing bugs from a program, ends when people get tired of doing it, not when the bugs are removed.

CACHE: A very expensive part of the memory system of a computer that no one is supposed to know is there.

DESIGN: What you regret not doing later on.

DOCUMENTATION: Instructions translated from Swedish by Japanese for English speaking persons.

ECONOMIES OF SCALE: The notion that bigger is better. In particular, that if you want a certain amount of computer power, it is much better to buy one biggie than a bunch of smallies. Accepted as an article of faith by people who love big machines and all that complexity. Rejected as an article of faith by those who love small machines and all those limitations.

HARDWARE: The parts of a computer system that can be kicked.

INFORMATION CENTER: A room staffed by professional computer people whose job it is to tell you why you cannot have the information you require.

INFORMATION PROCESSING: What you call data processing when people are so disgusted with it they won't let it be discussed in their presence.

MACHINE-INDEPENDENT PROGRAM: A program that will not run on any machine.

MEETING: An assembly of computer experts coming together to decide what person or department not represented in the room must solve the problem.

MINICOMPUTER: A computer that can be afforded on the budget of a middle-level manager.

OFFICE AUTOMATION: The use of computers to improve efficiency in the office by removing anyone you would want to talk with over coffee.

````````````` ON-LINE: The idea that a human being should always be accessible to a computer.

PASCAL: A programming language named after a man who would turn over in his grave if he knew about it.

PERFORMANCE: A statement of the speed at which a computer system works. Or rather, might work under certain circumstances. Or was rumoured to be working over in Jersey about a month ago.

PRIORITY: A statement of the importance of a user or program. Often expressed as a relative priority, indicating that the user doesn't care when the work is completed so long as he is treated less badly than someone else.

QUALITY CONTROL: Assuring that the quality of a product does not get out of hand and add to the cost of its manufacture or design.

REGRESSION ANALYSIS: Mathematical techniques for trying to understand why things are getting worse.

STRATEGY: A long-range plan whose merit cannot be evaluated until sometime after those creating it have left the organization.

SYSTEMS PROGRAMMER: A person in sandals who has been in the elevator with the senior vice president and is ultimately responsible for a phone call you are to receive from your boss.




Senior Citizen Striles Back

A college student at a recent USC football game challenged a senior citizen sitting next to him, saying it was impossible for their generation to understand his. "You grew up in a different world," the student said, loud enough for the whole crowd to hear. "Today we have television, jet planes, space travel, man has walked on the moon, our spaceships have visited Mars, we even have nuclear energy, electric and hydrogen cars, computers with light-speed processing ... and uh.."

Taking advantage of a pause in the student's litany, the geezer said, "You're right. We didn't have those things when we were young; so we invented them, you little twit! What the heck are you doing for the next generation??"




Fair Deal

In bygone days, a thin man insulted a fat man. The fat man challenged his tormentor to a duel with pistols.

On the day of the duel a debate ensued about the unfair advantage held by the thin man because he was a much smaller target. Finally the thin man came up with a solution.

"Let the outline of my figure be chalked upon your body," he said to his opponent, "and any shots of mine that hit outside the chalk lines, we won't count."




Idiot Computer Virus

We regret to inform you, but by opening this email, you have just received the 'Idiot Computer Virus'.

Since our staff does not have any programming experience, this virus works on the honor system.

Please delete all files from your hard drive immediately, then manually forward this virus to everyone on your mailing list.

Thank You




Same String

There was a rope who walked into a restaurant and asked to be seated.

The waiter said I'm sorry but we don't serve strings here.

The string, not one to be told what to do, goes home and ties himself in a knot and frays his edges. He returns to the same restaurant and again asks to be seated.

The waiter asks, aren't you the same string that came in here a while ago?

The string says no sir I'm a frayed knot.




McDonalds Application Form

This is an actual job application someone submitted at a McDonald's restaurant ...and they hired him!

NAME:Greg Bulmash

DESIRED POSITION: Reclining. Ha ha. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

SALARY: Less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes.

DO YOU SMOKE?: Only when set on fire.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: No, but I dare you to prove otherwise.

SIGN HERE: Scorpio with Libra rising.




Be Wary Of Blondes

A blind guy enters a bar and finds his way to a barstool. After ordering a drink, and sitting there for a while, the blind man hollers to the bartender, "Buddy, wanna hear a blonde joke?"

The bar immediately becomes silent. In a deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something. The bartender is blonde, the bouncer is blonde and I'm a 6 foot 200 pound blonde with a black belt in Jeet Kun Do. What's more, the bloke sitting next to me is blonde and he's a heavyweight boxer. The woman to your right is a blonde, and she's a pro wrestler. Think about it seriously, mister. D'ya still wanna tell that blonde joke?"

The blind guy says, "Ach, nah...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."




Balls

After a two year long study, The National Science Foundation announced the following results on Corporate America's recreation preferences.

1. The sport of choice for unemployed people is: BASKETBALL

2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is: BOWLING

3. The sport of choice for front line workers is: FOOTBALL

4. The sport of choice for supervisors is: BASEBALL

5. The sport of choice for middle management is: TENNIS

6. The sport of choice for corporate officers is: GOLF

CONCLUSION: The higher you are in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become.




The Detective

A man suspected his wife of seeing another man.

So, he hired a famous Chinese detective, Mee Lookee Yu, to watch any activities that might develop.

A few days later he received this report:

Most honorable sir:

You leave house.

He come house.

I watch.

He and she leave house.

I follow.

He and she get on train.

I follow.

He and she go in hotel.

I climb tree-look in window.

He kiss she.

She kiss he.

He strip she.

She strip he.

He play with she.

She play with he.

I play with me.

Fall out of tree.

Not see.

NO FEE.




The Ideal Job

My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned...couldn't concentrate.

After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it...mainly because it was a so-so job.

Then I tried to be a chef -- figured it would add a little spice to my life, but I just didn't have the thyme.

Next I tried working in a muffler factory but that was too exhausting.

I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining.

I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I couldn't cut the mustard.

Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the ax.

Next was a job in a shoe factory; I tried but I just didn't fit in.

So then I got a job in a workout center, but they said I wasn't fit for the job.

After many years of trying to find steady work I finally got a job as a historian until I realized there was no future in it.

I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn't have any patience.

My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found I wasn't noteworthy.

I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income.

My last job was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit because it was always the same old grind.

SO I RETIRED AND FOUND I'M PERFECT FOR THE JOB!




Useful Expressions For High Stress Days

1. Not the brightest crayon in the box now, are we?

2. A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth.

3. Do I look like a fucking people person?

4. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.

5. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

6. I can't remember if I'm the good twin or the evil one.

7. How many times do I have to flush before you go away?

8. You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing.

9. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #2?

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