Jokes Page 3

12 Step Program Of Recovery For Web Addicts
You Know You're A Net Nerd When...
New Drug
MURPHY'S LAWS FOR PARENTS
Windows 2000 Error Messages
Three Old Men
Golfing With The Guys
You know you're living in 2004 when
Patent Pending
1900 and Today
Tech Support
Three Woman go to Heaven
Blonde On A Plane
Religious Parrots
Strong Mice
I've Fallen
A Delicacy
Was it good for you?
The Psychiatric Hotline
Job Description For Moms
Priceless Wisdom
Men & women
THE HONEYMOON PERIOD
The Bacon Tree
Taxi Driver in Heaven
Work Computer Virus
Lada's day out
Top Ten Signs Your Co-Worker is a Computer Hacker
Operator Please...
The Laziest

12 Step Program Of Recovery For Web Addicts

You might want to check whether or not you're addicted at the You May Be Addicted To The Internet If... page before you start your recovery program.

I will have a cup of coffee in the morning and read my newspaper like I used to, before the Web.

I will eat breakfast with a knife and fork and not with one hand typing.

I will get dressed before noon.

I will make an attempt to clean the house, wash clothes, and plan dinner before even thinking of the Web.

I will sit down and write a letter to those unfortunate few friends and family that are Web-deprived.

I will call someone on the phone who I cannot contact via the Web.

I will read a book...if I still remember how.

I will listen to those around me and their needs and stop telling them to turn the TV down so I can hear the music on the Web.

I will not be tempted during TV commercials to check for email.

I will try and get out of the house at least once a week, if it is necessary or not.

I will remember that my bank is not forgiving if I forget to balance my checkbook because I was too busy on the Web.

Last, but not least, I will remember that I must go to bed sometime ... and the Web will always be there tomorrow!

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You Know You're A Net Nerd When...

  1. You wake up at 3am to go to the bathroom and stop to check your e-mail on the way back to bed.
  2. get a tattoo that reads "This body best viewed with Netscape 3.0 or higher."
  3. You name your children Eudora, Mozilla, and Dotcom.
  4. You turn off the modem and get this awful, empty feeling like you just pulled the plug on a loved one.
  5. You spend half of the plane trip with your laptop on your lap... and your child in the overhead compartment.
  6. You decide to stay in college for an additional year or two, just for the free internet access.
  7. You laugh at people still using 56K modems.
  8. You start using smileys in your snail mail.
  9. You find yourself typing "com" after every full stop (period) when using a word processor.com
  10. You refer to going to the bathroom as uploading.
  11. You start introducing yourself as "John Doe at AOL Dot Com."
  12. All your friends have an @ in their names.
  13. Your cat has its own home page.
  14. You can't call your mother... she doesn't have a modem.
  15. You check your mail. It says "no new messages." So you check it again.
  16. Your phone bill comes to your doorstep in a box.
  17. You move into a new house and decide to Netscape before you landscape.
  18. You tell the cab driver you live at http://1000.edison.garden/house/brick.html
  19. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. :)
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New Drug

A woman walks into her sex therapist's office. She tells the therapist that her husband is not a very good lover, and they never have sex any more, and she asks what to do about it. The therapist tells her that there is an experimental drug that might do the trick. She tells the woman to give her husband one pill that night and come back in the morning and tell her what happens. The next day, the woman comes in ecstatic, telling the therapist that the pill worked and that she and her husband had the best sex ever. She asks her therapist what would happen if she gave her husband two pills and the therapist says she doesn't know, but to go ahead and try it. The next day, the same thing happens, the woman comes in telling the therapist that the sex was even better than the night before and what would happen if she gave him five pills. The therapist says she doesn't know, but to go ahead and try it. The next day, the woman comes in limp but happy, and tells the therapist that the sex just keeps getting better and what would happen if she gave her husband the rest of the bottle. The therapist says she doesn't know; it's an experimental drug and she doesn't know what a full bottle could do to a person. Anyway, the woman leaves the therapist's office and puts the rest of the bottle of pills in her husband's morning coffee. A week later, a boy walks into the therapist's office and says: "Are you the dick-head who gave my mother a bottle of experimental pills?" "Why, yes, young man, I did. Why?" "Well, Mum's dead, my sister's pregnant, my arse hurts, and Dad's sitting in the comer going 'Here, kitty, kitty, kitty'..."

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MURPHY'S LAWS FOR PARENTS

1. The tennis shoes you must replace today will go on sale next week.

2. Leakproof thermoses -- will.

3. The chances of a piece of bread falling with the grape jelly side down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.

4. The garbage truck will be two doors past your house when the argument over whose day it is to take out the trash ends.

5. The shirt your child must wear today will be the only one that needs to be washed or mended.

6. Gym clothes left at school in lockers mildew at a faster rate than other clothing.

7. The item your child lost, and must have for school within the next ten seconds, will be found in the last place you look.

8. Sick children recover miraculously when the pediatrician enters the exam room.

9. Refrigerated items, used daily, will gravitate toward the back of the refrigerator.

10. Your chances of being seen by someone you know dramatically increase if you drive your child to school in your robe and curlers.

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Windows 2000 Error Messages

1. Windows message: "Error saving file! Format drive now? (Y/Y)"

2. File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)

3. Press any key except... no, No, NO, NOT THAT ONE!

4. Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.

5. Press any key to continue or any other key to quit.

6. Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue.

7. BREAKFAST.SYS halted... Cereal port not responding.

8. Runtime Error 6D at 417A:32CF: Incompetent User.

9. WinErr 16547: LPT1 not found. Use backup. (PENCIL & PAPER.SYS)

10. Your hard drive has been scanned and all pirated software titles have been deleted.

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Three Old Men

Three men were discussing aging at the nursing home. "Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old. "You always feel like you have to pee and most of the time, you stand at the toilet and nothing comes out."

"Ah, that's nothin'," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you can't even crap anymore. You take laxatives, eat bran, you sit on the toilet all day and nothin' comes out!"

"Actually," said the 80-year-old, "eighty is the worst age of all."

"Do you have trouble peeing too?" asked the 60-year-old.

"No, not really. I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock: no problem at all." said the 80-year-old.

"Do you have trouble crapping?" asked the 70-year-old. "No, I crap every morning at 6:30." the older man responded.

With great exasperation, the 60-year-old said, "Let me get this straight. You pee every morning at 6:00 and crap every morning at 6:30. So what's so tough about being 80?"

"I don't wake up until 7:00!"

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Golfing With The Guys

Four lawyers in a law firm lived and died for their Saturday morning round of golf. It was their favorite moment of the week. Then one of the lawyers was transferred to an office in another city. It wasn't quite the same without him.

A new woman lawyer joined their law firm. One day she overheard the remaining three talking about their golf round at the coffee table. Curious, she spoke up, "You know, I used to play on my golf team in college and I was pretty good. Would you mind if I joined you next week?"

The three lawyers looked at each other. They were hesitant. Not one of them wanted to say 'yes', but she had them on the spot. Finally one man said it would be okay, but they would be starting pretty early at 6:30 am. He figured the early Tee-Time would discourage her immediately.

The woman said this might be a problem and asked if she could possibly be up to 15 minutes late. They rolled their eyes but said this would be okay. She smiled and said, "Good, then I'll be there either at 6:30 or 6:45."

She showed up right at 6:30 and wound up beating all three of them with an eye-opening 2-under par round. She was a fun and pleasant person the entire round. The guys were impressed! Back in the clubhouse they congratulated her and happily invited her back the next week. She smiled and said, "Sure, I'll be here at 6:30 or 6:45."

The next week she again showed up at 6:30 Saturday morning. Only this time, she played left-handed. The three lawyers were incredulous as she still managed to beat them with an even par round despite playing with her off-hand.

By now the guys were totally amazed, but wondered if she was just trying to make them look bad by beating them left-handed. They couldn't figure her out. She was again very pleasant and didn't seem to be showing them up, but each man began to harbor a burning desire to beat her!

In the third week they all had their game faces on. But this week she was 15 minutes late! This had the guys irritable because each was determined to play the best round of golf of his life to beat her. As they waited for her, they figured her late arrival was some petty gamesmanship on her part.

Finally she showed up.

This week the lady lawyer again played right-handed which was a good thing since she narrowly beat all three of them. However, she was so gracious and so complimentary of their strong play, it was hard to keep a grudge against her. This woman was a riddle no one could figure out!

Back in the clubhouse she had all three guys shaking their heads at her ability. They had a couple beers after their round which helped the conversation loosen up. Finally one of the men could contain his curiosity no longer. He asked her point blank, "How do you decide if you're going to golf right- handed or left-handed?"

The lady blushed and grinned. She said, "That's easy. When my dad taught me to play golf, I learned I was ambidextrous. I have always had fun switching back and forth. Then when I met my husband in college and got married, I discovered he always sleeps in the nude. From then on, I developed a silly habit. Right before I left in the morning for golf practice, I would pull the covers off him. If his you-know-what was pointing to the right, I golfed right-handed; if it was pointed to the left, I golfed left-handed. All the girls on the team thought this was hysterical."

Astonished at this bizarre information, one of the guys shot back, "But what if it's pointed straight up in the air?"

She said, "Then I'm fifteen minutes late."

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You know you're living in 2004 when

1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.

2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.

4. You e-mail your mate who works at the desk next to you.

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends is that they do not have e-mail addresses

6. When you go home after a long day at work you still answer the phone in a business manner.

7. When you make phone calls from home, you accidentally dial "0" or "9" to get an outside line.

8. You've sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three different companies.

10. Your boss doesn't have the ability to do your job.

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Patent Pending

I went to the US Patent Office trying to register some of my inventions.

I went to the main desk to sign in and the lady at the desk had a form that had to be filled out.

She wrote down my personal info and then asked me what I had invented.

I said, "A folding bottle."

She said, "Okay, what do you call it?"

"A Fottle."

"What else do you have?"

"A folding carton."

"What do you call it?"

"A Farton."

She sniggered and said, "Those are silly names for products and one of them sounds kind of crude."

I was so upset by her comment that I grabbed the form and left the office without even telling her about my folding bucket.

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1900 and Today

In 1900, fathers could count on children to join the family business.

Today, fathers pray their kids will soon come home from college long enough to teach them how to work the computer and set the VCR.

In 1900, fathers passed on clothing to their sons.

Today, kids wouldn't touch Dad's clothes if they were sliding naked down an icicle.

In 1900, fathers prayed their children would learn English.

Today, fathers pray their children will speak English.

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Tech Support

I had been doing Tech Support for Hewlett-Packard's DeskJet Division for about a month when I had a customer call with a problem I just couldn't solve. She could not print yellow. All the other colors would print fine, which truly baffled me because the only true colors are cyan, magenta, and yellow. For instance, green is a combination of cyan and yellow, but green printed fine. Every color of the rainbow printed fine except for yellow.

I had the customer change ink cartridges. I had the customer delete and reinstall the drivers. Nothing worked. I asked my co-workers for help; they offered no new ideas.

After over two hours of troubleshooting, I was about to tell the customer to send the printer in to us for repair when she asked quietly, "Should I try printing on a piece of white paper instead of this yellow construction paper?"

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Three Woman go to Heaven

Three woman die and go to heaven. God says to the first woman "There is only one rule of heaven: you can't step on a duck." So the girl thinks 'okay, simple'. Then God opens the gates of heaven and there are ducks everywhere! As soon as the lady walks in she steps on a duck. So God comes in and chains the ugliest man she has ever seen to her and walks away silently. So the second lady comes in and God tells her the same rule. This lady last about a week before she steps on a duck, and again God comes in and chains the ugliest man she has ever seen to her and walks away silently. Then the third lady comes in and she manages never to step on a duck. Then one day God comes in and chains the best looking man she had ever seen to her and walks away silently. The man turns to the lady and says "I don't what you did but I stepped on a bloody duck."

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Blonde On A Plane

There is a blonde on a plane to New York. She is sitting in the first class section, but her ticket says that she should be in the coach section. A flight attendant realizes the blonde's mistake and asks her politely to move. The blonde won't move. All she says is, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, and I'm going to New York."

The flight attendant goes and tells all of the other flight attendants. They all try to persuade the blonde to move, but she won't move. All she says is, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, and I'm going to New York."

The flight attendants go and tell the pilot about the obnoxious blonde. They tell him the only thing that she says. He puts the plane on auto-pilot and whispers something in the blonde's ear.

Immediately, she gets up and moves to her normal seat. Then the pilot goes back to fly the plane. The flight attendants are all very curious about how the pilot made the blonde move so quickly.

They ask him and he says, "Oh, it was easy. All I had to do was tell her that the first class section wasn't going to New York!"

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Religious Parrots

One day Father O'Brian decided to take a walk downtown, as he passed by the local pet store he heard a saucy little voice exclaim, "I'm a prostitute," perplexed the Father stopped and he heard the voice again, "I'm a prostitute." He realized that the voice was coming from inside the store, so he went in and asked the clerk "Did I just hear a voice come from inside here saying 'I'm a prostitute." The clerk, rather embarrassed explained that the store had come across a rare parrot that had spent the first few years of its life in a brothel, this parrot still had alot of years left, and was very rare and expensive but it had picked up some rather choice sayings from its erstwhile home, and the pet store was having a hard time selling it and a hard time explaining the bird's exclamations. The priest gently offered to help out the pet store by buying the bird, as he had two parrots back in his parish "Peter" and "Paul" that did nothing but pray all day and recite phrases from the bible. The priest figured that Peter and Paul would be a good influence on the other parrot. Well the priest took the bird home and placed her in a cage next to Peter and Paul, who had their heads down in prayer. As soon as the priest left the room, the parrot put her wing on her hip and said, "I'm a prostitute!" At this, Peter's head perked up and he nudged Paul with his wing and said "hey! Our prayers have been answered!"

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Strong Mice

Three macho mice are sitting around one day, debating over which one of them is the toughest. None of them can come to a conclusion, so the first mouse gets up, and says ' Watch this '. So he gets up and walks over to the mousetrap, steals the cheese and sets the trap off. So the metal bit comes down, and he catches it in one hand, and starts to bench-press the bloody thing. ' That's how tough I am ' he says. Unimpressed, the second mouse gets up, and walks over to the mouse bait station, and grabs one of the larger pellets. So he karate chops the pellet, it turns to fine dust, and he bends down and sniffs the whole lot up his nose. ' How's that ', he says. Then the third mouse gets up, and starts to walk away. Both mice ask ' Where you going? ' ' Watch this, I'm going outside to f**k the cat!!!!! '

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I've Fallen

There's an old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing to adultery. One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, "If I hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!"

Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say they had "fallen."

This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until the priest died at a ripe old age. About a week after the new priest arrived, he visited the mayor of the town and seemed very concerned.

The priest said, "You have to do something about the sidewalks in town. When people come into the confessional, they keep talking about having fallen."

The mayor started to laugh, realizing that no one had told the new priest about the code word.

Before the mayor could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at the mayor and said, "I don't know what you're laughing about, your wife fell three times this week."

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A Delicacy

An American touring Spain stopped at a local restaurant following a day of sightseeing. While sipping his sangria, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?"

The waiter replied, " Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are bulls testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!" The American, though momentarily daunted, said, "What the hell, I'm on vacation! Bring me an order!" The waiter replied, "I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy!"

The next morning, the American returned, placed his order, and then that evening he was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, and inspecting the contents of his platter, he called to the waiter and said, "These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!"

The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si senor. Sometimes the bull wins."

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Was it good for you?

So this beatiful blond meets this guy at the carnival. Immediately they hit it off. He shows her around the carnival and they ride a few rides. They decide to go to his place and watch a movie.

They enter his apartment and she notices a bunch of stuffed animals. so she wanders over into the room and sees 3 shelves, the bottom shelf has small stuffed animals, the middle shelf has larger stuffed animals and the top shelf has huge stuffed animals. She thinks to herself, "Wow, this guy must be really sensitive!" Really turned on by this she gets undressed, pulls the guy into bed.

The Next morning they wake up. The beatiful blond exclaims, "mmmm that was good, Was it good for you?" The man mutters, "Hmmm.... you can take something off the bottom shelf...."

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The Psychiatric Hotline

RING......

RING......

RING......

CLICK

Recording - "Hello, Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline."

If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.

If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5 and 6.

If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line until we can trace the call.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer.

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Job Description For Moms



Long term team players needed for challenging permanent work in an often chaotic environment.

Candidates must possess excellent communication and organizational skills and be willing to work variable hours, which will include evenings and weekends and frequent 24 hour shifts on call.

Some overnight travel required, including trips to primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in faraway cities.
Travel expenses not reimbursed.
Extensive courier duties also required.

RESPONSIBILITIES:

Must provide on-the-site training in basic life skills, such as nose blowing.

Must have strong skills in negotiating, conflict resolution and crisis management.

Ability to suture flesh wounds a plus.

Must be able to think out of the box but not lose track of the box, because you most likely will need it for a school project.

Must reconcile petty cash disbursements and be proficient in managing budgets and resources fairly, unless you want to hear, "He got more than me!"
for the rest of your life.

Also, must be able to drive motor vehicles safely under loud and adverse conditions while simultaneously practicing above mentioned skills in conflict resolution.

Must be able to choose your battles and stick to your guns.

Must be able to withstand criticism, such as "You don't know anything."

Must be willing to be hated at least temporarily, until someone needs $5 to go skating.

Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly.

Also, must possess the physical stamina of a pack mule and be able to go from zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat in case, this time, the screams from the backyard are not someone just crying wolf.

Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges, such as small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets and stuck zippers.

Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars and coordinate production of multiple homework projects.

Must have ability to plan and organize social gatherings for clients of all ages and mental outlooks.

Must be willing to be indispensable one minute, an embarrassment the next.

Must handle assembly and product safety testing of a half million cheap, plastic toys and battery operated devices.

Also, must have a highly energetic entrepreneurial spirit, because fund-raiser will be your middle name.

Must have a diverse knowledge base, so as to answer questions such as "What makes the wind move?"
or "Why can't they just go in and shoot Sadam Hussein?"
on the fly.

Must always hope for the best but be prepared for the worst.

Must assume final, complete accountability for the quality of the end product.

Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and janitorial work throughout the facility.

POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT AND PROMOTION:

Virtually none.
Your job is to remain in the same position for years, without complaining, constantly retraining and updating your skills, so that those in your charge can ultimately surpass you.

PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE:

None required, unfortunately.

On-the-job training offered on a continually exhausting basis.

WAGES AND COMPENSATION:

You pay them, offering frequent raises and bonuses.

A balloon payment is due when they turn 18 because of the assumption that college will help them become financially independent.

When you die, you give them whatever is left.

The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that you actually enjoy it and wish you could only do more.

BENEFITS:

While no health or dental insurance, no pension, no tuition reimbursement, no paid holidays and no stock options are offered, job supplies limitless opportunities for personal growth and free hugs for life if you play your cards right.
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Priceless Wisdom

A streaker is someone who is unsuited for his work.
Man who fart in church sit in own pew.
Lady who go camping must beware of evil intent.
Man who smoke pot choke on handle.
Two wrongs not make right, three lefts do.
Man who pee on electric fence, receive shocking news.
Do not drink and park, accidents cause people.
Man who get kicked in testicles left holding bag.
He who crosses the ocean twice without washing is a dirty double crosser.
Man who have head up ass, have crappy outlook on life.
Man who lose key to apartment not get new key.
Man who put head on railroad track to listen for train likely to end up with splitting headache.
Man who sucks nipples make clean breast of things.
Baby conceived in back seat of automatic car grow up to be shiftless bastard.
Man who have hand in pockets not crazy, just feeling nuts.
Man who run behind car get exhausted.
Man who sit on tack get point.
Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.
Find blind man on nude beach, not hard.
Girl who sit on lap of judge get honorable discharge.
Man who go to bed with sex on mind wake up with solution in hand.
Man who have hand in pocket not just jingling change.
Man who lay woman on ground, get peace on earth.
Never raise hands to angry child, it leave groin exposed.
Wash your face in the morning, neck at night.
Woman who spends much time on bedspring, may have offspring.
Woman who dance while wearing jock strap have make believe ballroom.
Man who make love to exhaust pipe of car have hot rod.
Woman who cooks carrots and peas in same pot very unsanitary.
A bird in hand makes it hard to blow nose.
Those who quote Confucious are fools.
Crowded elevator smell different to midget.
Man who scratches ass should not bite fingernails.
Man who sneezes without handkerchief takes matters into his own hands.
Secretary not permanent, till screwed on desk.
Sailor who get discharged from navy leave buddies behind.
Man who snatches kisses when young, kisses snatches when old.
Girl who sit on lap of jockey get hot tip.
Man who fight with wife all day get no peace at night.
Man who speaks with forked tongue should not kiss balloons.
Seven days on honeymoon make one hole weak.
Man with tight trousers is pressing his luck.
Man who tell one too many light bulb jokes soon burn out.
Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
Woman who fly plane upside down have crackup.
Man who leap off cliff jump to conclusion.
Epileptic woman who give oral sex may bite big one.
Man and mouse alike, both end up in pussy.
Wife who slides down banister makes monkey shine.
Man who take lady on camping trip, have one intent.
Man who kisses girls behind, gets crack in face.
Man with hole in pocket feel cocky all day.
Panties not best thing on earth, but next to best thing on earth.
Baseball wrong, man with four balls cannot walk.
Better to be pissed off than pissed on.
Man who marries a girl with no bust has right to feel low down.
Man who wants pretty nurse, must be patient.
Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cathouse.
He who fishes in other mans well often catches crabs.
Nail on board is not good as screw on bench.
War not determine who is right, war determine who is left.
Man who go to bed with itchy ass wake up with smelly finger.
Okay for crap to happen, will decompose.
Even the greatest of whales is helpless in middle of desert.
Man trapped in pantry have ass in jam.
Man who sleep in cathouse by day, sleep in doghouse by night.
Short man who dance with tall woman get bust in mouth.
Man who drive like hell bound to get there.
Man with one chopstick go hungry.
Man who puts pecker in peanut butter jar is f***ing nuts.
Man with athletic finger make broad jump.
Man who lay girl on hill not on level.
Man who kiss epileptic woman may get tongue-tied.
Modern house without toilet uncanny.
It takes many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.
Passionate kiss like spider web, lead to undoing of fly.
Man who sit on an upturned tack shall surely rise.
Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.
Man who run in front of car get tired.
Man who stand on toilet, must be high on pot.
Girl who rides bicycle, peddles ass all over town.
Confucius say too damn much.
Man who sleep on railroad tracks wake up with split personality.
Woman who go to mans apartment for snack may get tit bit.
Man who drop watch in toilet, bound to have crappy time.
Man who eat many prunes, sit on toilet many moons.
Squirrel who runs up woman's leg not find nuts.
Man who live in glass house, dress in basement.
Girl who douches with vinegar walk around with sour puss.
Support bacteria, it may be the only culture some people have.
Virgin like balloon: one prick, all gone.
Procrastination like masturbation, only screw self.
Man who shoot off mouth, bound to lose face.
Man who keep feet firmly on ground, have trouble putting on pants.
He who buries a man's wife alive, should not expect to sit at that man's dinner table without subject coming up.
Man who eat jelly beans fart in technicolor

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Men & women

NICKNAMES
If Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose.
If Mike, Charlie, Bob and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Scrappy.

EATING OUT
When the bill arrives, Mike, Charlie, Bob and John will each throw in 20, even though it's only for 32.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back.  When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY
A man will pay 2 for a 1 item he needs.
A woman will pay 1 for a 2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.

BATHROOMS
A man has six items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn.
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

ARGUMENTS
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

CATS
Women love cats.
Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

FUTURE
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

SUCCESS
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

MARRIAGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.

DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favourite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
Any married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

What a woman says:
C'mon...This place is a mess You and I need to clean. Your pants are on the floor and you'll have no clothes if we don't do laundry now.

What a man hears:
C'MON ... blah, blah, blah YOU AND I blah, blah, blah blah, blah ON THE FLOOR blah, blah, blah, NO CLOTHES blah, blah, blah, blah, NOW

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THE HONEYMOON PERIOD

Before she moves in She wears teddies and suspenders, and you hold your farts in until she leaves the room; she's a gorgeous sex kitten and you tell her so: you're so sweet and adorable, and headjobs follow ambient dinners like a fine grandfather port.

After she moves in She farts in her grungy trackie bottoms while hypnotised by Coronation Street. You scratch your nuts unashamedly and bitch about work. Oral sex is strictly quid pro quo and the new girl in the office really does have a great arse. When apathy replaces ardour, living together becomes cohabitation; and your gorgeous sex kitten becomes "her indoors".

Six key indicators of when the honeymoon period has finished.

1 Addictions

Before: You tell her you don't mind the occasional cold beer on a hot day with your friends, and that you've taken recreational drugs under peer group pressure, but that those days are well and truly over.

After: For the fifth night in a row, you stagger in blotto, dig out your stash and mull up, pass out in the lounge in your boxers and expect her to accept that you're just being you.

2.Bodily Functions

Before: You spray aerosol after a crap, piss on the side of the bowl to reduce the noise level, and never ever fart in her presence.

After: You fart in front of her with impunity and obvious pride, commenting on the food intake for the day and speculating on the resultant odour of the next fart. Despite repeated pleas to refrain, you fart in bed and hold her head under the covers. You think it's hilarious.

3.Relations/Friends

Before: Her aunty Jane is a real character with a lively personality and interesting views about politics, and her out-of-work girlfriend Amanda is a genuine, charming supportive friend who you think is really nice.

After: Aunty Jane is a loud-mouthed pain-in-the-arse fascist with all the personality of a cold sore. Amanda is a manipulative loser, but you wouldn't mind slipping her one if the opportunity arose.

4. Sex

Before: Sex is a sweat-soaked, gymnastic romp that lasts for hours. You screw to impress, using all your tricks - your renowned tit grope, your marathon oral sex sessions and jackhammer-like screwing. Doing it four times a day is not uncommon.

After: A wank is often preferable to the effort of sex. When you do have sex, you think about Amanda.

5. Attention Span

Before: Her words are hypnotic, her wit incisive; her anecdotes about life pre-you are spellbinding. Over candlelight and coffee you listen with interest and politely chortle as she recounts stories of her childhood.

After: Your eyes glaze over as soon as she mentions anything that doesn't involve you or football. What's more, you develop the uncanny ability to be able to concentrate on the TV and pretend to be listening to her at the same time. The phrase "Are you listening to me ?" becomes an evening mantra.

6. The flip side

Before: She thinks you are witty, disciplined, a sexual athlete, attentive, loving, faithful and devoid of all the crass male habits which have plagued her previous relationships ........ but she suspects that you're full of shit.

After: She knows you're full of shit.

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The Bacon Tree

There were three legionnaires walking through the desert under a baking sun. They were fully equipped with enough water for days, and food aplenty.

On the shimmering horizon mirages came and went and came again, visions of swimming pools attended by dusky maidens, stalls full of ice-cream, sorbets, freshly-whipped smoothies of every conceivable flavour. But no avail, the legionnaires did not crack, but kept marching solidly on.

Suddenly one of them froze, "Psssst" said he. His companions halted, and strained their eyes to where the first legionnaire was pointing. "Le voila", said he, "Regardez, mes amis, isn't that a bacon tree on the horizon"?

And sure enough, there it stood, proudly and defiant in the middle of the desert, a true bacon tree. Slowly they crept forward towards the mystery object afar off. Inch by inch,centimetre by centimetre, until they were within a stone's throw of the bacon tree. Even nearer they crept, and suddenly, a shot rang out, dropping one of the legionnaires in his tracks. The other two returned fire, and gave first aid to their wounded companion.

Even as they bandaged him, and poured water over his face, they could hear his faint voice "That was no bacon tree," he gasped, "that was an am bush."

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Taxi Driver in Heaven

A priest and a taxi driver both died and went to heaven. St. Peter was at the Pearly gates waiting for them. "Come with me", said St. Peter to the taxi driver. The taxi driver did as he was told and followed St. Peter to a mansion. It had anything you could imagine from a bowling alley to an Olympic size pool. "Wow, thank you", said the taxi driver. Next, St. Peter led the priest to a rugged old shack with a bunk bed and a little old television set.

"Wait, I think you are a little mixed up," said the priest. "Shouldn't I be the one who gets the mansion? After all I was a priest, went to church every day, and preached God's word."

"Yes, that's true. But during your sermons people slept. When the taxi driver drove, everyone prayed!"

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Work Computer Virus

There is a dangerous virus being passed electronically, orally and by hand. This virus is called Worm-Overload-Recreational-Killer (WORK). If you receive WORK from any of your colleagues, your boss or anyone else via any means DO NOT TOUCH IT. This virus will wipe out your private life completely. If you should come into contact with WORK put your jacket on and take two good friends to the nearest pub. Purchase the antidote known as Work-Isolator-Neutralizer-Extractor (WINE). Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system. You should forward this warning to 5 friends. If you do not have 5 friends, you have already been infected and WORK is controlling your life.

Update:After extensive testing it has been concluded that Best-Equivalent-Extractor-Remedy (BEER) may be substituted for WINE but may require a more generous application.

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Lada's day out

A bloke was driving up the M1 in his Lada. Suddenly there is a pop and a bang and the Lada starts to loose speed quickly so he pulls off to the hard shoulder. A few minutes later a Porsche pulls up in front of them and a bloke jumps out.

"Do you want a tow mate?" he says,

"yes please" the Lada driver replies.

"Ok, but if I go too fast then you will have to put your indicator on or I will lose myself!!"

So the two men set off and after about ten minutes a Ferrari pulls up alongside the Porsche and they start to race, forgetting the poor Lada behind. Finally they take an exit to a little village and zoom past a little pub with a man standing outside it with his pint in his hand. This bloke runs inside to his freinds and blurts out;

"You'll never guess what I have just seen! I saw a Ferrari and porsche racing at 250mph and a Lada indicating to overtake!!!"

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Top Ten Signs Your Co-Worker is a Computer Hacker

10. Anyone who ticks him off gets a $25,000 phone bill.
9. He's won the Publisher's Clearing House Sweepstakes three years in a row.
8. When asked for his phone number, he gives it in hex.
7. Seems unusually calm whenever the office LAN goes down.
6. Somehow manages to get HBO on his PC at work.
5. Mumbled "Oh, puh-leeez 125 times during the movie 'The Net'.
4. Massive 401k contribution made in half-cent increments.
3. Video dating profile lists "public-key encryption" among turn-ons.
2. When he starts up his computer, you hear "Good Morning, Mr. President".
1. You hear him murmur, "Let's see you use that Visa card now, asshole."

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Operator Please...

A young Irish lad by the name of Paddy arrived in New York City seeking opportunity in the new land. Before looking for employment, he went to the nearest parish to pray for success.

As he knelt by the pulpit, he spotted a PINK telephone. Arising, he asked the nearby priest what the PINK telephone was for? The priest responded that the phone was used to communicate with GOD!! "And pray tell Father..how much does it cost to call"? The priest answered...."It is $4.50 for three minutes".

Years later, after acquiring his trade; Paddy, Colleen and his young family moved to Chicago. On his first visit to his local church, he again spotted the PINK telephone. "And pray tell Father...how much does it cost to communicate with GOD"? The priest answered..."It is $1.50 for three minutes".

Upon retiring, Paddy and Colleen moved to a Senior's only development in Scottsdale, Arizona. Of course he soon visited the nearest church; and immediately looked for the PINK telephone. Again he asked the nearest priest..."How much does it cost to communicate with GOD"? The priest answered......"Nothing, It is a local call"!!!

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The Laziest

A site foreman had ten very lazy men working for him, so one day he decided to trick them into doing some work for a change.

"I've got a really easy job today for the laziest one among you," he announced. "Will the laziest man please put his hand up."

Nine hands went up.

"Why didn't you put your hand up?" he asked the tenth man.

"Too much trouble," came the reply.

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