Jokes Page 12

When the Whistle Blows
What's In a Name
Classroom Dreaming
A Smart Woman
Mastercard Wedding
Raining or Snowing (A Groaner)
Mood Ring
Clearly and Lorraine (A Groaner)
Stuipd
Alligator Pool
The Preacher
Hiking
Breaking Up
The Heart Donors
How about that?
The Perfect Day for Her
The Perfect Day for Him
A Kiss
Letter Home From School...
"Golden Telephones"
The Final Exam
The Four Nuns
Tourists in Texas
Sexual Exhaustion
Gimme A Push
Pain
Noah And Today's Ark
Island Life
Credit Card
Strange Bets

When the Whistle Blows

Three boys are at school bragging of how great their fathers are.

The first one says, "Well, my father runs the fastest. He can fire an arrow, and start to run. I tell you, he gets there before the arrow."

The second one says, "Ha! You think that's fast! My father is a hunter. He can shoot his gun and be there before the bullet."

The third one listens to the other two and shakes his head. He then says, "You two know nothing about fast. My father works for the city. He stops working at 4:30 and he is home by 3:45!"

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What's In a Name

The manager of a large office noticed a new man one day and told him to come into his office.

"What's your name?" he asked the new guy.

"John," the new guy replied.

The manager scowled, "Look... I don't know what kind of a mamby-pamby place you worked before, but I don't call anyone by their first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my employees by their last name only... Smith, Jones, Baker... That's all. I am to be referred to only as Mr. Robertson. Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?"

The new guy sighed, "Darling. My name is John Darling."

"Okay John, the next thing I want to tell you is..."

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Classroom Dreaming

Sometimes, when I'm in class, I dream that I'm on a tropical island, with a dozen or more scantily clad females beside me, sitting under a huge palm tree, with some soft gentle music being played on some traditional wood instruments of that region, and a cool gentle breeze caressing my tanned body.

I do all this while trying to forget I'm in a classroom.

Of course, it would be so much easier without everyone yelling at me to keep teaching.

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A Smart Woman

Married 25 years, took a look at my wife one day and said, "Honey, 25 years ago, we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10 inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25 year old blond. Now, we have a nice house, nice car, big bed and plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 50 year old woman. It seems to me that you are not holding up your side of things."

My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 25 year old blond, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed.

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Mastercard Wedding

You got to love this guy... This is a true story about a recent wedding that took place at Clemson University.

It was in the local newspaper and even Jay Leno mentioned it. It was a huge wedding with about 300 guests.

After the wedding, at the reception, the groom got up on stage with a microphone to talk to the crowd. He said he wanted to thank everyone for coming, many from long distances, to support them at their wedding.

He especially wanted to thank the bride's and his family and to thank his new father-in-law for providing such a lavish reception.

As a token of his deep appreciation he said he wanted to give everyone a special gift just from him.

So taped to the bottom of everyone's chair, including the wedding party was an envelope.

He said this was his gift to everyone, and asked them to open their envelope.

Inside each manila envelope was an 8x10 glossy of his bride having sex with the best man.

The groom had gotten suspicious of them weeks earlier and had hired a private detective to tail them.

After just standing there, just watching the guests' reactions for a couple of minutes, he turned to the best man and said, "F--- you!"

Then he turned to his bride and said, "F--- you!"

Then he turned to the dumbfounded crowd and said, "I'm outta here."

He had the marriage annulled first thing in the morning.

While most people would have canceled the wedding immediately after finding out about the affair, this guy goes through with the charade, as if nothing were wrong.

His revenge--making the bride's parents pay over $32,000 for a 300 guest wedding and reception, and best of all, trashing the bride's and best man's reputations in front of 300 friends and family members.

This guy really has guts!

Do you think we might get a MasterCard "priceless" commercial out of this?

Elegant wedding reception for 300 family members and friends: $32,000.

Wedding photographs commemorating the Occasion: $3,000

Deluxe two week honeymoon accommodations in Maui: $8,500.

The look on everyone's face when they see the 8x10 glossy of the bride humping the best man: Priceless.

There are some things money can't buy, for everything else there's MASTERCARD!

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Raining or Snowing (A Groaner)

A Russian couple was walking down the street in Moscow one night, when the man felt a drop hit his nose.

"I think it's raining," he said to his wife.

"No, that felt more like snow to me," she replied.

"No, I'm sure it was just rain," he said.

Well, as these things go, they were about to have a major argument about whether it was raining or snowing. Just then, they saw a minor communist party official walking toward them.

"Let's not fight about it," the man said, "Let's ask Comrade Alfred whether it's officially raining or snowing."

As the official approached, the man said, "Tell us, Comrade Alfred, is it officially raining or snowing?"

"IT'S FREAKIN' RAINING, OF COURSE YOU STUPID IDIOTS!!" he screamed, and walked on.

But the woman insisted: "I know that felt like snow! Why should we believe what he says?"

The man quietly replied:

"Rude Alf the Red knows rain, dear!"

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Mood Ring

Bought my girlfriend a mood ring the other day.

When she's in a good mood it turns green.

When she's in a bad mood, it leaves a red mark on my forehead.

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Clearly and Lorraine (A Groaner)

A guy was dating a girl named Lorraine. He knew that Lorraine was the ONE. She had all the qualities that he wanted in a woman. She was smart, funny, and beautiful. Then one day in the video store, he met a girl named Clearly. Now Clearly was beautiful, funny, smart, and knew all the best places in town. But the guy didn't want to stop dating Lorraine, for he could be missing out on something good. So he kept on dating Lorraine. Then one day, the guy and Lorraine were walking along a river bank, his mind on Clearly, when Lorraine slipped into the river. While he watched her float away, he sang,

"I can see Clearly now Lorraine is gone."

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Stuipd

John went to his friend's house unannounced, and he wanted to spend the night. His friend was sorry that he could not offer him a whole room, so he said, "You can sleep on the floor in the living room, or you can sleep in the room with Baby."

John said that he would prefer the floor.

The next morning he went to the bathroom, and there he met a gorgeous young blond. "Hi," he said, "Who are you?"

"I'm Baby, and who are you?"

"I'm stupid," he said.

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Alligator Pool

Once there was a millionaire who collected live alligators. He kept them in the pool in back of his mansion. The millionaire also had a beautiful single daughter. So one day he decides to throw a huge party, and during the party he announces: "My dear guests, I have a proposition to every man here. I will give one million dollars or my daughter to the man that can swim across this pool full of alligators and emerge unharmed!" As soon as he finished his last word there was the sound of a large SPLASH! One guy was in the pool, swimming as fast as he could, and the crowd was cheering him on. Finally he made it to the other side unharmed.

The millionaire was impressed. He said "My boy that was incredible! Fantastic! I didn't think it could be done! Well I must keep my end of the bargain, so which do you want: my daughter or the one million dollars?

The guy says "Listen I don't want your money! And I don't want your daughter! I just want the jerk who pushed me into that pool!

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The Preacher

Tony was in the hospital, near death. The family called their preacher to stand with them. As the preacher stood next to the bed, Tony's condition appeared to deteriorate and he motioned frantically for something to write on. The pastor lovingly handed him a pen and a piece of paper and Tony used his last bit of energy to scribble a note, then he died.

The preacher thought it best not to look at the note at that time, so he placed it in his jacket pocket. At the funeral, as he was finishing the message, he realized that he was wearing the same jacket that he was wearing when Tony died. He said, "You know, Tony handed me a note just before he died. I haven't looked at it, but knowing Tony, I'm sure it's a wonderful message."

He opened the note, and read, "Get off my oxygen tube!"

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Hiking

A father came home from a long business trip to find his son riding a very fancy new 10 speed bike. "Where did you get the money for the bike? It must have cost $300."

"Easy, Dad," the boy replied. "I earned it hiking."

"Come on," the father said. "Tell me the truth."

"That is the truth," the boy replied. "Every night you were gone, Mr. Reynolds from the grocery store would come over to see Mom. He'd give me a $20 bill and tell me to take a hike!"

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Breaking Up

An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough."

"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.

"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer, " the old man says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her."

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck they're getting divorced." she shouts, "I'll take care of this." She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at the old man, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "They're coming for Christmas and paying their own fares."

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The Heart Donors

A doctor tells a rich old man that he's going to die if he doesn't get a new heart soon.

The old man tells the doctor to search the world for the best heart available, money is no object. A few days later the doctor calls the old man and says he has found three hearts but they are all expensive.

The old man reminds the doctor that he is filthy rich and implores him to tell him about the donors they came from. 'Well, the first one belonged to 22 year old marathon runner, never smoked, ate only the most healthy foods, was in peak condition when he was hit by a bus. No damage to the heart, of course. But it costs $100,000.'

The old man, waving off the last part about the cost, asks the doctor to tell him about the second donor.

'This one belonged to a 16 year old long-distance swimmer, high school kid. Lean and mean. Drowned when he hit his head on the side of the pool. That heart'll set you back $150,000.'

'Okay,' said the old man, 'what about the third heart?'

'Well this one belonged to a 58 year-old man, smoked three packs of cigarettes a day, weighed over 300 pounds, never exercised, drank like a fish... this heart is going for $500,000.'

'Five-hundred grand?!?', the old man exclaimed, 'why so expensive?'

'Well', said the doctor, 'this heart belonged to a lawyer... so it was never used!'

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How about that?

There once was a third grader named Jimmy. Every time the teacher would say something, Jimmy would say, "How about that!"

One day, the teacher said, "And then George Washington crossed the Delaware."

Jimmy said, "How about that!"

The teacher told Jimmy, "If you say that one more time, you are going out into the hall, mister!"

To that, Jimmy replied, "Well, how about that!"

Taking him by the arm, the teacher marched Jimmy into the hall and said, "While you're out here, I want you to write a poem to tell the class."

Twenty minutes later, the teacher came out to get Jimmy and said, "Before we go back in, I want to hear your poem."

Jimmy said, "As I stood in the hall, I saw a cockroach go up the wall. How about that!"

The teacher said, "That's fine, Jimmy, but I want you to leave the cock out."

She took him back into the classroom and announced that Jimmy had a poem for the class.

Jimmy stood up and said, "As I stood in the hall, I saw a roach go up the wall with his cock out. How about that!"

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The Perfect Day for Her

8:15AM Wake up to hugs and kisses.

8:30AM Weigh in 5 lbs lighter than yesterday.

8:45AM Breakfast in bed, fresh squeezed OJ & croissants.

9:15AM Soothing hot bath with fragrant lavender bath oil.

10:00AM Workout at club with handsome, funny personal trainer

10:30AM Facial, manicure, shampoo and comb out.

12:00PM Lunch with best friend at outdoor cafe.

12:45PM Notice ex-boyfriends wife, she has gained 30lbs.

1:00PM Shopping with friends, unlimited credit.

3:00PM Nap. 4:00PM 3 dozen roses delivered by florist from secret admirer

4:15PM Light workout at club, followed by gentle massage.

5:30PM Pick out outfit for dinner, primp before the mirror.

7:30PM Candlelight dinner for two followed by dancing.

10:00PM Hot shower.

10:30PM Make love.

11:00PM Pillow talk, light touching and cuddling.

11:15PM Fall asleep in his big strong arms.

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The Perfect Day for Him

6:00AM Alarm.

6:15AM Blowjob.

6:30AM Massive dump while reading sports section.

7:00AM Breakfast, filet mignon & eggs, toast & coffee.

7:30AM Limo arrives.

7:45AM Bloody Mary enroute to airport.

8:15AM Private jet to Augusta, Georgia (coffee, SI & WSJ)

9:30AM Limo to Augusta National Golf Club.

9:45AM Front nine at Augusta (2 under).

11:45AM Lunch, 2 doz. oysters on the half shell, 3 Heinekens.

12:15PM Blowjob.

2:15PM Back nine at Augusta (4 under).

2:30AM Limo back to airport (Martini, shaken, two olives).

3:15PM Private jet, Augusta to Nassau, Bahamas (nap).

4:30PM Land World Record light tackle Marlin (1,249lbs).

5:00PM Private jet back home (blowjob at 30,000 feet).

6:45PM Shit, shower and shave.

7:00PM Watch Playboy Channel (jerk off).

7:30PM Dinner, Dom Perigon (1963), lobster, 20oz NY Steak.

9:00PM Remy Martin and Cuban Cohiba cigar.

9:30PM Sex with three women (at least 2 are bi).

11:00PM Massage and Jacuzzi.

11:45PM Bed (alone).

11:50PM 12 second, 4 note fart, dog leaves room.

11:55PM Sleep.

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A Kiss

Professors of different subjects define the same word in different ways:

Prof. of Computer Science: A kiss is a few bits of love compiled into a byte.

Prof. of Algebra: A kiss is two divided by nothing.

Prof. of Geometry: A kiss is the shortest distance between two straight lines.

Prof. of Physics: A kiss is a contraction of the mouth due to the expansion of the heart.

Prof. of Chemistry: A kiss is the reaction of the interaction between two hearts.

Prof. of Zoology: A kiss is the interchange of unisexual salivary bacteria.

Prof. of Physiology: A kiss is the juxtaposition of two orbicularis oris muscles in the state of contraction.

Prof. of Dentistry: A kiss is infectious and antiseptic.

Prof. of Accountancy: A kiss is a credit because it is profitable when returned.

Prof. of Economics: A kiss is that thing for which the demand is higher than the supply.

Prof. of Statistics: A kiss is an event whose probability depends on the vital statistics of the numbers 36, 24 and 36.

Prof. of Philosophy: A kiss is the persecution for the child, ecstasy for the youth and homage for the old.

Prof. of English: A kiss is a noun that is used as a conjunction; it is more common than proper; it is spoken in the plural and it is applicable to all.

Prof. of Engineering: Uh, What? I'm not familiar with that term.

Professeur of French: A kiss is, well, you know... It's what you have to do before...

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Letter Home From School...

Dear Dad,

$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can't think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.

Love, Your $on.

Reply from dad...

Dear Son,

I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy.Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.

Love, Dad

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"Golden Telephones"

A man from New York City decided to write a book about synagogues around the country. He started by flying to San Francisco, and started working east from there.

Going to a very large temple, he began taking photographs and making notes. He spotted a golden telephone on the vestibule wall and was intrigued with a sign which read: "$10,000 a minute."

Seeking out the rabbi he asked about the phone and the sign. The rabbi answered that this golden phone is, in fact, a direct line to Heaven and if he pays the price he can talk directly to God. The man thanked the rabbi and continued on his way.

As he continued to visit temples in Seattle, Austin, Michigan, Chicago, Milwaukee, and all around the United States, he found more phones, with the same sign, and the same answer from each rabbi.

Finally, he arrived in Florida. Upon entering a temple in Boca Raton, he saw the usual golden telephone. But THIS time, the sign read: "Calls:35 cents."

Fascinated, he asked to talk to the rabbi.

"Rabbi, I have been in cities all across the country and in each temple I have found this golden telephone and have been told it is a direct line to Heaven and that I could talk to God, but, in the other temples the cost was $10,000 a minute -- your charge is only 35 cents. How can this be?"

The rabbi, smiling benignly, replied, "Son, you're in Florida, from here it's a local call.

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The Final Exam

There were four sophomores taking Organic Chemistry. They were doing so well on all the quizzes, midterms and labs, etc., that each had an "A" so far for the semester. These four friends were so confident that the weekend before finals, they decided to go and party with some friends.

They had a great time, but after all the hearty partying, they slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back until early Monday morning. Rather than taking the final then, they decided to find their professor after the final and explain to him why they missed it. They explained that they had a flat tire on the way back, didn't have a spare, and couldn't get help for a long time. As a result, they missed the final.

The professor thought it over and then agreed they could make up the final the following day. The guys were elated and relieved. They studied that night and went in the next day at the time the professor had told them. He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet, and told them to begin.

They looked at the first problem, worth five points. It was something simple about free radical formation. "Cool," they thought at the same time, each one in his separate room, "this is going to be easy."

Each finished the problem and then turned the page. On the second page was written: (For 95 points): Which tire?

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The Four Nuns

It was Friday, and four nuns went to the priest at the local Catholic Church to ask for the weekend off. They argued back and forth for a few minutes. Finally, the priest agreed to let them leave the convent for the weekend. "However", he said, "as soon as you get back Monday morning I want you to confess to me what you did over the weekend." The four nuns agree, and run off. Monday comes, and the four nuns return. The first nun goes to the priest and says, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned." The priest asks, "What did you do, Sister?" She replies, "I watched an R-rated movie." The priest looks up at heaven for a few seconds, then replies, "You are forgiven. Go and drink the holy water." The first nun leaves, and the fourth nun begins to chuckle quietly under her breath.

The second nun then goes up to the priest and says, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned." The priest replies, "OK, what happened?" She says, "I was driving my brother's car down the street in front of his house, and I hit a neighbor's dog and killed it. "The priest looks up to heaven for half a minute, then says, "You are forgiven. Go and drink the holy water." The second nun goes out. By this time, the fourth nun is laughing quite audibly.

Then the third nun walks to the priest and says, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned." The priest asks, "Out with it. What did you do?" She says, "Last night, I ran naked up and down Main Street." The priest looks up at heaven for a full five minutes before responding, "God forgives you. Go and drink the holy water." She leaves.

The fourth nun falls on the floor, laughing so hard tears run down her cheeks. The priest asks her, "OK. What did you do that was so bloody funny?" The fourth nun replies, "I peed in the holy water..."

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Tourists in Texas

A couple traveling cross country decided to stop for a cup of coffee in a local diner somewhere in Texas. While they were sitting at a booth near the counter sipping their coffee, a local cowboy stumbles in and heads for the closest stool at the counter. As he lifts his leg over the stool, he cuts one of the loudest farts ever heard by a human. The tourist jumps up and yells, "Sir, how dare you fart before my wife!"

The cowboy stopped, tipped his hat politely and says, "I'm awful sorry ma'am...I didn't know we was a takin' turns."

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Sexual Exhaustion

A high school English teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. She tells the class there would be no excuse for not showing up, except for serious injury or illness, or a death in the student's immediate family. A smart-ass jock in the back of the room asks, "What about extreme sexual exhaustion?" The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says "Not an excuse. You can use your other hand to write with."

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Gimme A Push

This guy is in in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock and it is 3:30 in the morning.

"Who on earth can that be at this time in the morning?!"

Then a louder knock follows. "Aren't you going to answer that?" said his wife, "It might be an emergency".

The guy groans, puts on his dressing gown and goes to answer the door. He opens the door to find a bloke standing there.

"Eh mate, can you give us a push?" he says.

"No get lost, it's gone three in the morning" came the reply.

The guy went back to bed, climbed in and told his wife.

"Well that wasn't very nice of you Dave. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the babysitter and you had to knock on someone's door then. They helped get us started again. What would have happened if he'd told you to get lost?"

"Oh for goodness sake, okay I'll go and help him." So he quickly gets dressed, goes down to the door but he can't see the stranger so he shouts for him.

"Hey there, sorry I was a bit shirty with you, do you still need a push?

He hears a voice reply "Yeah please mate".

He still cant's see the stranger so he shouts again, " Where are you, I can't seem to see you?"

The stranger replies, "Over here on the swings."

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Pain

A guy is at the Pearly Gates, hoping to be admitted, and St. Peter says to the guy, "I can't see that you did anything really good in your life, but you never did anything bad either. I tell you what if you can tell me one REALLY good deed that you did, you're in." So the guy says, "Once I was driving down the road and saw a gang of bikers assaulting this poor girl. So I pulled over, got out my car, grabbed a tire iron and walked straight up to the gang's leader -- a huge ugly guy with a studded leather jacket, bald head but with hair all over his body, and a chain running from his nose to his ear. "Undaunted, I ripped the chain out of his nose and ear and smashed him over the head with the tire iron. Then I turned around and, wielding my tire iron, yelled to the rest of them, 'You leave this poor, innocent lady alone! You're all a bunch of sick, deranged animals! GO HOME BEFORE I TEACH YOU ALL A LESSON IN PAIN!'"

Impressed, St. Peter says, "Really? When did this happen?"

"Oh, about two minutes ago."

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Noah And Today's Ark

The Lord spoke to Noah and said, "Noah, in six months I am going to make it rain until the whole world is covered with water and all the evil things are destroyed. But, I want to save a few good people and two of every living thing on the planet. I am ordering you to build an ark." And, in a flash of lightning, he delivered the specifications for the ark.

"OK," Noah said, trembling with fear and fumbling with the blueprints, "I'm your man."

"Six months and it starts to rain," thundered the Lord. "You better have my ark completed or learn to swim for a long, long time!"

Six months passed, the sky began to cloud up, and the rain began to fall in torrents. The Lord looked down and saw Noah sitting in his yard, weeping, and there was no ark.

"Noah!" shouted the Lord, "where is My ark?" A lightning bolt crashed into the ground right beside Noah.

"Lord, please forgive me!" begged Noah. "I did my best, but there were some big problems. First, I had to get a building permit for the ark's construction, but your plans did not meet their code. So, I had to hire an engineer to redo the plans, only to get into a long argument with him about whether to include a fire-sprinkler system."

"My neighbors objected, claiming that I was violating zoning ordinances by building the ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city planning board."

"Then, I had a big problem getting enough wood for the ark, because there was a ban on cutting trees to save the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists and the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service that I needed the wood to save the owls, but they wouldn't let me catch them, so no owls."

"Next, I started gathering up the animals but got sued by an animal rights group that objected to me taking along only two of each kind."

"Just when the suit got dismissed, the EPA notified me that I couldn't complete the ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood. They didn't take kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of a Supreme Being."

"Then, the Corps of Engineers wanted a map of the proposed flood plan. I sent them a globe!"

"Right now, I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Equal Opportunities Commission over how many minorities I'm supposed to hire."

"The IRS has seized all my assets claiming that I am trying to leave the country, and I just got a notice from the state that I owe some kind of use tax. Really, I don't think I can finish the ark in less than five years."

With that, the sky cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow arched across the sky.

Noah looked up and smiled. "You mean you are not going to destroy the world?" he asked hopefully.

"No," said the Lord, "the government already has."

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Island Life

There is a beautiful deserted island in the middle of nowhere where the following people are stranded:

2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman
2 French men and 1 French woman
2 German men and 1 German woman
2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman
2 English men and 1 English woman
2 Bulgarian men and 1 Bulgarian woman
2 American men and 1 American woman
2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman

One month later on this beautiful deserted island in the middle of nowhere...

1 Italian man killed the other for the Italian woman.

The 2 French men and the French woman are living happily together in a "menage a trios."

The 2 German men have a strict weekly schedule of when they alternate with the German woman.

The 2 Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them.

The 2 English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman.

The Bulgarian men took one look at the endless ocean, one look at the woman and started swimming.

The 2 American men are playing coconut-football and haven't noticed that there is a woman.

The Irish began by dividing their island Northside-Southside and setting up a distillery. They don't remember if sex is in the picture, 'cause it gets sort of foggy after the first few litres of coconut-whiskey, but at least they know the English aren't getting any.

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Credit Card

In March 1992, a man living in Newton near Boston, Massachusetts received a bill for his as yet unused credit card stating that he owed $0.00. He ignored it and threw it away. In April he received another and threw that one away too. The following month the credit card company sent him a very nasty note stating they were going to cancel his card if he didn't send them $0.00 by return of post. He called them and talked to them about the problem. They said it was a computer error and told him they'd take care of it.

The following month our hero decided that it was about time that he tried out the troublesome credit card figuring that if there were purchases on his account he could end this ridiculous predicament. However, in the first store that he produced his credit card in payment for his purchases he found that his card had been cancelled.

He called the credit card company who apologized for the computer error once again and said that they would take care of it. The next day he got a bill for $0.00 stating that payment was now overdue. Having spoken to the credit card company the previous day, he assumed the latest bill was yet another mistake he ignored it, trusting that the company would be as good as their word and sort the problem out.

The next month he got a bill for $0.00 stating that he had 10 days to pay his account or the company would have to take steps to recover the debt. Finally giving in, he thought he would play the company at their own game and mailed them a check for $0.00. The computer duly processed his account and returned a statement. It reported that he now owed the credit card company nothing at all.

A week later, the man's bank called him asking him what he was doing writing a check for $0.00. After a lengthy explanation the bank replied that the $0.00 check had caused their check processing software to fail. The bank could not now process ANY checks from ANY of their customers that day because the check for $0.00 was causing the computer to crash.

The following month the man received a letter from the credit card company claiming that his check had bounced and that he now owed them $0.00. Furthermore, unless he sent a check by return of post they would be taking steps to recover the debt.

The man, who had been considering buying his wife a computer for their anniversary, bought her a typewriter instead.

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Strange Bets

A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada one day, carrying a bag of money. She insisted that she must speak with the president of the bank to open a savings account because, "It's a lot of money!"

After much hemming and hawing, the bank staff finally ushered her into the president's office (the customer is always right!). The bank president then asked her how much she would like to deposit. She replied, "$165,000!" and dumped the cash out of her bag onto his desk.

The president was of course curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he asked her, "Ma'am, I'm surprised you're carrying so much cash around. Where did you get this money?"

The old lady replied, "I make bets."

The president then asked, "Bets? What kind of bets?"

The old woman said, "Well, for example, I'll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square."

"Ha!" laughed the president, "That's a stupid bet. You can never win that kind of bet!"

The old lady challenged, "So, would you like to take my bet?"

"Sure," said the president, "I'll bet $25,000 that my balls are not square!"

The little old lady then said, "Okay, but since there is a lot of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10am as a witness?"

"Sure!" replied the confident president.

That night, the president got very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side to side, again and again. He thoroughly checked them out until he was sure that there was absolutely no way his balls were square and that he would win the bet.

The next morning, at precisely 10am, the little old lady appeared with her lawyer at the president's office. She introduced the lawyer to the president and repeated the bet "$25,000 says the president's balls are square!" The president agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see. The president complied.

The little old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them. "Well, Okay," said the president, "$25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure."

Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall. The president asked the old lady, "What the hell's the matter with your lawyer?"

She replied, "Nothing, except I bet him $100,000 that at 10am today I'd have The Bank of Canada's president's balls in my hand."

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